Obstacles to Recovery

A guest kicked out recently came back for the rest of his stuff that very same afternoon.  He was bragging that he found a place at (he named a woman's house).  I was not surprised.  She makes extra money by renting out rooms to those who need them.  Regrettably - and horribly - she's a minor staff member of a local rehab, and when she sees someone not liking the restrictions of the program, she offers them a place so that she can make fast cash, and they can indulge in their relapses.  She has pretended to be a "sober living home" at times, but she's really running an "anti-sober living home" as far as I'm concerned.  The former guest who went there today is not the first she's enabled.  We had another guest who went over there to indulge in crack.  

It's a tough old world out there.  Because such disgusting enablers are only one obstacle to an addict's recovery.

Someone messaged me over my last article, concerning that same man, to ask how I knew where his drug dealer lived.  Good question.  And frankly, I've become so used to this world, that I forgot that such would be a matter that would make others not in this world wonder.

The thing is, I know a variety of drug dealers.  No, not "personally", we don't hang out or anything, though I've met and chatted with some before in the course of my work.  Some have come over to the Liahona Home.  Which isn't too odd when you think about it.  It's Sutton's Law, named after the infamous bank robber Willie Sutton, who when asked why he robbed banks allegedly said, "Because that's where the money is."

                                                Pictured: Where the money is!

As to why then drug dealers come to sober living homes?  Well, that's where the addicts are.  Drug dealers also attend AA and NA meetings.  For the same reason - to find more customers.  Of any 100 at a meeting, easily 90 will relapse at least once.  Recovery is a long and arduous process.  And dealers are there every step of the way to make it harder.

Unsurprisingly, they don't wear name tags or uniforms, so when they come by the Liahona Home - or any sober living home - they are posing as "friends" of a guest.  Invited by some relapser who's not been caught yet, or is still being worked with.  It usually does not take to long to discover which "friends" are dealing, but by then I've chatted with them a time or two.  Then they're told to not come by any more.  I ask it of them politely.  And they agree politely and don't come back.  Unlike in the movies, they're not looking for any trouble. 

Other times I know of them because when giving a ride to a guest, I might see one of them at wherever it is I'm taking that guest - a few too many times.  It's an indicator.  I was a policeman in the Air Force, and had ten years or so as an armed guard for banks and armored car companies, so I'm fairly observant.  I'm not bragging, though.  It's pretty common for me to be got over on for a bit, but in the end, as I mention to some guests, it always manifests itself.  Addictions are never hid for long.

The goal, as I tell the guest, is for them to succeed.  I can afford to wait and see if my suspicions are justified.  I'm a firm believer in Blackstone's famous quote, "It is better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer".  And when the time comes, and a guest must leave, there is usually no huge argument at that point - they'll know I've gave every chance, and then some.

The drug dealer's names tickle me.  Their names are also different than the movies.  Or rather, they sound similar, but for different reasons.  There's a dealer named "Seven".  I asked the guest why.  I was wondering in my head, was it for him having killed seven people?  Had he killed the sixth dealer for a given area and took over?  Had he been busted seven times?  Had he done some seven year stretch of hard time?

Nope.  He doesn't deal after 7pm, that's all.  What a let down to my overly dramatic imagination!  I got a laugh from the guest by asking, "What happens during daylight savings time, do you call him Six?"

Likewise, one called "D" is not using that letter to stand for "Danger" or "Disaster" or even "Dealer".  No, it's just the first letter of his ordinary name, which I'll not give here.  Another is called "Coco".  By this time, I figured he must be an albino, but no, that nickname was for his African American descent.  And in case you're wondering, and you should not in the Midwest, most dealers are white.

Another obstacle is that often times in sober living homes - including mine - other guests drink.  Or use.  After all, the success rate here is only 12.5% - which is actually a good bit higher than a lot of sober living homes, and something I'm proud of.  And yet before I know of a particular guest relapsing, the other guests know it first, since they live right there with him.  And it is inevitably asked, "Why aren't I doing anything about it?"  Good question - see above.  I do something about it when, one, I know of it.  And two, "doing something" might just be a stern talking to and assigning more meetings.  Case by case.

But "If he gets to drink, why can't I shoot heroin?" is the mentality I often run into, sometimes literally.  Besides teenagers, addicts have the most keenly developed sense of "justice" and "what's fair" on Earth!  And if anyone any where is in the least bit getting away with anything, then it would be monstrously wrong to in any way counsel or punish them for what they are doing, until every injustice in the world has ceased, and all past injustices are compensated for!

This is why I counsel each new guest - look outside the house, not inside.  Focus on what's out there - your new job, you saving up money, the car you'll buy, the place you'll get.  Don't focus inside the house, on who's doing what, who is wronging you, etc.  Focusing outward leads to you maintaining your own sobriety - inward will have you relapsing.  Don't worry about others - worry about yourself! 

Dealers posing as friends at AA meetings and sober living homes.  Fake sober living homes.  Relapsing guests.  Those are just three of the "Obstacles to Recovery" that addicts must deal with.  Do not get me wrong, though.  Each person's recovery is on them, and I tell that to each guest.  It is a tough old world, and there'll be a million reasons provided for relapsing.  Nagging spouses or girlfriends.  Mean bosses.  Unfair Probation or Parole officers.  Dealers with their temptations.  Your old friends and their temptations.  The list could go on forever.  And I tell them this too - Satan.  He and his demons are always there to try to guide them to temptation, or weaken their resolve, and if they can't see that it's Satan behind it, they can at least see all the mundane things that I believe he is behind.

But here is the hard truth - and far harder if you were born with an addictive personality.  It's not really the "fault" of others.  Oh, yes, they are trying to derail you.  They are trying to bring temptation to you.  They are trying to bobble you so that you'll be so stressed out that you "have to" have a drink - or a line, or a smoke or a shot.

Yet they can only provide the temptation or trial.  It is TOTALLY on you how you deal with that temptation or trial!  A person in recovery, faced with trial and/or temptation could go drink or drug.  OR - they could come talk to me.  Or go and talk to their sponsor.  Or pray.  Or attend a meeting.  Or ditch their destructive friends.  Or stop meeting with dealers.  Or not go to another house for it being "easier" or "cooler".

Are those hard things?  Yes.  Are they things easier for me to type than it is for them to do while they suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?  You bet. 

But they are necessary things - if recovery is the goal. 

One of Satan's snares - or the World's snares, if you're not religious - is to have a person think that "Because it's tough, it's okay to falter."  Like all things designed to destroy you, it has a certain plausibility to it.  On one level, it is okay that a person falters, we are all fallible, we are all prone to error, we all, as Romans 3:23 assures us, "have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God".  So there's that. 

But on another level - the most important level - there's a time where one must grow up.  And clean up.  And be "sick and tired of being sick and tired".  Yes, the person born with an addictive personality has a disease, and properly regarded, is as unfortunate as any person born physically or mentally handicapped.  But just as some physical infirmities can be overcome with hard Physical Therapy, and just as some mental issues can be overcome with extra effort at education, so can addictions be managed - and overcome - by hard work at recovery.

True, there are some physical and mental limitations that no hard work can overcome - but as is learned in AA:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.  They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a   manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

Thus the obstacles to recovery are real - and many.  But they are NOT insurmountable.  If one fails, it is in the main, on themselves.  The burden of overcoming obstacles to recovery is thus on them.  They are not responsible for other's success or failures - and no one is responsible for their success or failure. 

It's a hard lesson.  And one not often learned, even by those who have some clean and sober time under their belt.  Yet if that clean and sober time is to last, it is a lesson that must be learned.