Merry Christmas!

"Merry Christmas"

Next year will probably be the official "Year", where it all comes together, but honestly, I think that it has come together for us this Christmas!

The beginning of the year saw us with no finished basement, no full electricity, no new roof - and now we have all those things and more!  

Last year Christmas was as usual for Katie and I - no real gifts, just our promise to each other that next year, one of these years, we'd be ahead enough to do that.  

It's not easy fixing up two completely broken down homes, where for every one dollar in aid you ask you're spending five more.  It's took us some years.  Eight, if any are keeping count, from the first condemned house.  From nothing to one condemned house to two nice homes!

Perhaps still a year to go on some minor stuff, like windows and such.

But we're done with the major repairs now!  We took a walk late last Christmas Eve after opening all of our presents - real presents! - and stopped on the way back to take that picture you see as my timeline background, and as the new background here on this page.

We stopped and looked at both houses, as both were fixed and safe and warm and bright.  We knew that those driving by could see that, too.  We also know that five people have safe places to stay, and a sixth is now on his way!

We could also see with our eyes what those driving by could not.  Which is all the things that good and kind friends have aided us in. Driveways, roofs, and such.  The very light streaming from the windows of one of the houses.

Micah 4:4

And within appliances and fix ups and renovations only possible due to those who believed in us and what we're about. We could see while standing out there Christmas eve how blessed we are to have so many kind people aiding us in our lives and the lives of those we try to help.

We've had over forty guests so far, and as we tell ourselves, we are only just getting started!

We knew, not from the gifts we were able to get each other, but the gifts that made these homes possible, just how blessed we really are.  

Thank you all.  All of you reading this have aided in some way, by your love and encouragement, aid and support, advice and ideas.  This upcoming year is the year that it is officially all going to come together, we'll get our 501(c)3 and we can finally be what we think of as "real"!  

But so you know - it started now, this Christmas, and thanks to Heavenly Father, His son Jesus and all of you!

Merry Christmas!

Chances

Had a guest at the Liahona Home who mooched, lied, stole and got high.  I'd find a pot pipe in his drawer, or he'd be caught with one on a traffic stop, or he'd ask another guest if that guest wanted to get high.  Or borrow money from a guest and not pay it back.  Or cadge smokes.  Or ask another guest if he wanted to get high.  Or share with everyone how he wasn’t really an addict.  

Many "last chance" lectures were given.  Many more than usual.

There were two reasons for that.  One, his church had paid for eight weeks all at once.  This after the free week and subsidized week he had got from me.  I have the fees weekly for the great reason that if someone relapses, then they've lost very little money.  In his case, he personally had no money invested in his living expenses at all, but I'd still hate to see the church feel bad.

But for two, and the far more important reason, was that he was 20.  And I knew him.  And had known him when he was 16.  I knew the odds were that he'd fail, not only for me having a brain, but for everyone telling me so over and over again.  And for having seen him use and abuse a kind hearted woman in that church who had took him in before.  

But I still wanted him to succeed.

I had been 38 before I even started to pull my head out of my butt, and I hoped to save him a less than productive and appropriate 18 years.  The day I had to expel him, the first thing I did was retch, sick to my stomach over the necessity.  Fortunately I had not ate yet.  To my knowledge, I was the only one who minded him leaving.

Yet as I said - I knew him.  He didn't think so.  I mean, we never hung out, never sparkled up, never joked inanely about 4:20, so by his standards, I couldn't know him.  

Here's what I did know:

He was​ ​raised​ ​by​ ​a​ ​single​ ​”mother”, mother by virtue of having birthed him.  A​ ​single​ ​mother​ ​who​ ​enjoyed​ ​drinking​ ​and smoking​ ​pot, and who I doubt stopped or slowed down on either during her pregnancy with him.​ ​​ ​A mother who avoided​ ​work​ ​of​ ​any​ ​kind,​ ​and​ ​avoided any ​men​ ​who​ ​worked, lest that somehow be catching or provide any kind of good example to her various children.​ ​

​A mother​ ​with​ ​an unerring​ ​ability​ ​to​ ​date​ ​losers.​ ​​ ​No​ ​real​ ​role​ ​models,​ ​no​ ​one​ ​to​ ​keep​ ​him​ ​from​ ​dropping​ ​out​ ​of​ ​high school.​ ​​ ​No​ ​reason for any child of hers​ ​not​ ​to​ ​smoke​ ​pot,​ ​any​ ​more​ ​than​ ​any​ ​of​ ​you​ ​reading​ ​this​ ​had​ ​reason​ ​not​ ​to​ ​do the​ ​things​ ​you​ ​saw​ ​your​ ​folks​ ​doing for fun.

The reality of pot smoking is less cool than movies make out.

Upon​ ​turning​ ​18,​ ​instead​ ​of​ ​going​ ​on​ ​tours​ ​of​ ​colleges​ ​with​ ​the​ ​folks,​ ​talking​ ​to​ ​a​ military ​recruiter,​ ​going on​ ​a​ ​church mission​ ​or​ ​traveling​ ​to​ ​Europe,​ ​his​ ​life​ ​was​ ​no​ ​different​ ​than​ ​the​ ​day​ ​before.​ ​​ ​Or​ ​the​ ​year before.​ ​​ ​No​ ​driver’s​ ​license,​ ​he​ ​had​ ​dropped​ ​out​ ​of​ ​school.​ ​​ ​No​ ​real​ ​jobs​ ​other​ ​than​ ​a​ ​McDonald’s job,​ ​part​ ​time.  Later, a girlfriend raised as poorly, who would have a child of his when he was 19, and break up with him a few months after that kid was born.

Back to his 18th birthday, his “mother” ​deliberately got​ ​a​ ​bunch​ ​of​ ​bills​ ​and​ ​stuff​ ​put​ ​in​ ​his​ ​name, and then ran​ ​them​ ​up​ ​and failed​ ​to​ ​pay​ ​them.​ ​​ ​Happy​ ​Birthday,​ ​kid.​ ​​ ​That​ ​good​ ​credit​ ​that​ ​we​ ​all​ ​start​ ​out​ ​with?​ ​​ ​Blown. And​ ​he’ll​ ​never​ ​get​ ​it​ ​back.​ ​​ ​Not​ ​this​ ​side​ ​of​ ​seven​ ​years​ ​of​ ​hard​ ​work,​ ​and​ ​not​ ​as​ ​good​ ​as​ ​it​ ​could have been even then.

Understand, I’m the last to put up with those sensitive souls in their thirties and forties, still “finding themselves”.  Past a certain point I tell anyone that you can’t let the first 20 year period of your life rule the next three 20 year periods.

Past a certain point.  

Or as I said to another guest, one who was clearly outraged at my continued indulgence of the young man, “Yeah, I get it that upbringing isn’t an excuse for we in our middle age.  But what of when the kid first turns 18?  Still an excuse then, isn’t it?  I see it as a continuum.  As each year goes by, it’s less and less appropriate to blame upbringing, in fact it’s a pretty steep drop off.  By 21, it should be half, by 25, a tenth, and well before 30, it’s time to shut up!”

But this kid was 20.  Young enough that a lot of it was his mom’s fault, as surely as an aggressive pit bull is his trainer’s fault.  Except this kid didn’t even have some kind of clean manly aggression, just the desires of a low-level grifter coupled with no real grifting skills.  

He was one of the ones who thinks that he’s being all clever, and never realizes that he’s not fooling you, he’s just coasting off of your hope that he’ll wake up and realize that working is easier than shirking.

I watched him.  I watched him receive so much, and in each case he honestly thought it was due to some Machiavellian cleverness on his part.  When in reality it was due to he being around some of the kindest people on Earth - the Mormons.

Yeah, they were backing him the whole way, or - and he didn’t know this - I’d never have let him in the door in the first place.  By “backing him” I mean that they were giving him their moral support, first and foremost.  Any “project” of theirs I’m up for aiding in.  His “backers”, both great Mormons, both who I knew, persuaded me to try him.

The church as a whole was also backing him.  Morally and spiritually, which as far as I can tell he noticed not.  Financially, he noticed, but figured that it must be due to how clever he was working them.  Here’s a handy hint for anyone “working” the Mormons:

No one “works” the Mormons.  They know when you’re ripping them off, they just hope that you’ll wake up and realize that they really do care for you and that you don’t have to lie to or bs them.  Sometimes this works, and a new and productive member of their church - and the human race - is born.  Sometimes it doesn’t, and then at least they were doing the good they were supposed to be doing.  

While not at the high level of most Mormons, I try nonetheless to emulate them, so as to be a smidge better person myself.  So I’m up for aiding those they’ve took under their wing.  As much as I can, anyway.

It hurts me - as I’m sure it does them - to see someone with a ton of potential just waste it.  And this guy did have potential.  I knew that college, vocational schools, jobs, careers, travels were all still available to him.  I knew how to get them for him.  I explained to him how he could have them.

Without tipping him that I was aware of his grifting and drifting status, I explained to him some home truths to try and deter him from the life I felt sure he was embarked upon.  I explained to him the obvious that I’m sure he already knew.  That it was perfectly possible for a young man to drift through his whole twenties, coasting off of friends, family, and any others who seeing his youth would wish to aid him in getting him started.

But I told him of the downside to that seeming free ride.  That sometime between his late twenties and early thirties, there’d be a switch flipped, and instead of people wanting to help him “get started” they’d have contempt for him having “not started”.  

And that if he waited till then, that a lot of opportunities would be over, forever.  That he’d have blown a great chance for a great start, and that he’d be playing second string catch up for the rest of his life.  And not the least, that as a father, he needed income and stability now, not later after a decade of mindless partying.  

He gravely assured me he wanted to do right.  I gravely nodded my head as if I knew he meant it.  Inside, I hoped and prayed fervently that he meant it.  

He didn’t mean it.

He agreed to a plan, a plan that would have paid dividends to him, and for the rest of his life.  A plan of saving his money from his full time work that I helped him find, of getting a car with that savings, of saving the more for his own apartment.  And of the aid I could find him for furnishing that apartment, and of course, paying 20% in child support out of each check in the meanwhile, and in advance of any court order to do so, so that he’d have a better chance of being a meaningful part of his son’s life later.

He loved that plan.  All the way up to the day he got paid.  Then it was blown on clothes at the mall.  Work boots?  A pair of work jeans?  Ha, ha.  Just a pair of “cool” pants for each day of the week.  About his whole little check’s worth.  

He figured that getting a phone plan was something I’d aid him with, to go along with the iPhone 6 I’d gave him already.  Even though I’d told him he’d have to pay for the plan out of that check.  He told me he could “double up” on the child support payment later.  I knew all this would be trouble even before I found out later that day that he was still buying marijuana.

Is this all his mother’s fault for literally “spoiling” him?  Not “spoiled” in the cute way we pretend the word means, like some fortunate Cindy Brady looking girl having doting parents getting her a pony, but the old fashioned literal meaning of “rotten fruit, worthless and with no value”.

Is it his fault for having exercised no free agency in an appropriate fashion?

His mom’s after all for not having trained him to use that free agency appropriately?

His for not having figured it out anyway with that inherent bit of judgment about right and wrong that even members of isolated Papua New Guinea tribes seem born with?

Probably all that.  And now it will probably be his thirties or forties when the life of consequence free hedonism and coasting off of a boyish smile runs out.  When life has beat him up enough and wore him out enough so that he is - as we say in AA - “sick and tired of being sick and tired”.  

That’s a real shame.  Really.  It bothers me a lot.  

But there’s nothing I can do.  I’ll pray that he wakes up sooner, and makes a better go at another home.

Two Letters!

While I've put it off for awhile, lately I've took it upon myself to compose an overdue letter to the Corporation Counsel for the City of Springfield.

The letter was to address their fining of our non-profit a sum of $365 for not fixing a roof on one of our houses as fast as they'd have liked.

The first draft of the letter was two whole pages, and referenced Kafka, Pyongyang, the 7th Amendment, Edmund Burke and a closing vow that would make Churchill's "we will fight them on the beaches" speech seem a bit weak and conciliatory!

Building and Zoning?  Okay, we might surrender!

Neither they - nor you - will be seeing that letter! But I enjoyed writing it all the same!

The second draft, where I took the advice of a long ago lawyer I knew in Fairbanks who once asked me, "What's the goal?", is below. That lawyer's question was actually one of the pivotal learning moments in my life.

He was making a point. I was in a case against a University that was infringing upon our Constitutional rights (heh, heh!), and I was conducting myself in a fashion that I thought "wise" for my twenty-something age, but was really rather incendiary.

He reminded me in the asking of that question - is the goal to upset them beyond all reason, or to gain a specific objective? He caused me to understand that "just and righteous scoldings" and "resolving a dispute" are not the same things!

Here then is the letter designed to gain a specific and moral objective, rather than to tell off the officials as it might seem that they so richly deserve! It'll be mailed out later today, but you may all have a sneak peek of it now!

To:​ ​Xxxxx X. Xxxxx,​ ​Corporation​ ​Counsel

From:​ ​​ ​Dean​ ​West, Registered Agent

Date:​ ​November​ ​28,​ ​2016

Ref: AC Docket No. 2016-AC-00XX

Sir:

We were not notified of the hearing of the XXth of May, 2016.  Nor were we made aware of any opportunity to appeal this in absentia judgment against us.

It is our position that as a non-profit, we have to date taken two houses - at 700 E. Stanford Ave, (condemned) and 634 E. Stanford Ave. (eligible to be condemned) - and made them whole.  

Where two eyesores stood, now two nice houses stand.  Where there was a real danger of there being no one to pay property taxes on either of those houses, now they are paid each year.

Our “crime”, if such there be, was apparently in replacing a roof slower than “the City of Springfield” would have liked.  A roof that did not even leak.

Having long since complied with all the demands made upon us, we ask now that the $365 fine be waived or dismissed and we be allowed to continue about our business undisturbed.  

A business which in part has been good at - and will continue to be good at - finding and restoring distressed and abandoned properties so as to aid those in our community wrestling with alcoholism and addiction.

Dean West, Registered Agent

217-720-2568

clemens177@hotmail.com

Thanksgiving!

This year we at the Liahona Home have much to be thankful for!  And we most assuredly are!

This year saw a variety of projects get completed, including most noticeably the new roof on the second house!  But other projects, like the complete electrification of the second house, lots of work on the basement of the second house and both driveways being graveled, were also done.

And since our start of actively taking people in to be aided, back in 2014, we've gone from having 3 guests the tail end of that year, to 14 helped in 2015, to now 2016, where with the year not yet ended, 20 have been aided!

We've also been doing well with attracting donors, though we can take no credit for that ourselves!  Several people - who wish to remain unnamed - have really gone above and beyond!  In one particularly kind case, we had a widow request that in lieu of flowers, those mourning the passing of her husband send a gift in his name to our non-profit!

In another incredibly kind case so much was donated that the entirety of the property taxes for both homes was able to be paid and a vehicle transferred into the corporation's name and registered.  And we were able to pay more on a past loan we had received for the roof.

On a personal note, Katie and I are very happy, and given that Katie quit smoking this past summer, we are now both completely smoke free!  We are also greatly enjoying life and are having fun preparing a huge meal for ourselves and our guests!  (Well, Katie is preparing that and I'm aiding enormously by staying out of her way!)

Still more good things to be done, but we feel that we're in a real position to be getting it done.  We hope to join the Chamber of Commerce before this year is out.  We are going to send a letter to the City of Springfield requesting a waiving of that past fine they assessed.  We have two guests who are working on finishing the basement in lieu of program fees.  And we are soon to have a full house in the main sober living home.

And more good news - a guest who had to leave earlier this year due to a regrettable parole violating incident (not entirely his fault) has now been determined to be able to be released next July, when we had all assumed he was to have to do another two to three years!  He has been assured that there will be a place waiting for him when he gets out!

We are thinking that next year might be "the year", when it all comes together and is humming along enough that we can then focus on finishing things out.  Which means a few window replacements, a new paint job for both houses and that Holy Grail we've put off for years, our 501(c)3 exemption!

We are all thus very thankful!  To everyone who has aided us, to a great bunch of guests, and to our Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ, without which none of this would have in any way been possible!

Why We Fight!

Part of being a Program Supervisor is knowing - and accepting - that most of the time, you’re going to be took.  You’re going to be hurt.  You’re going to be disappointed.  And you’re going to lose.

You’re going to be lied to, and by real professionals, and if you’re lucky, it will just be the lies, but often, there’ll be some property damages, some thefts, and even getting knocked around and knocked down.

It’s the nature of the business of aiding those recovering from alcoholism and addiction.  Those you are going to help have - at best - three months of being clean and sober.  And so besides still wrestling with all the urges, they also are carrying a lot of baggage from their days of active addiction.

Criminal records.  Child support payments.  Parole or Probation conditions.  Angry exes.  Spotty work histories.  Psychological issues pertaining to long term addictions.  PTSD and other military inspired ailments.  All of the above.

What, me relapse?

And so while most think that all we provide is a place to stay, utilities, laundry on site, and such other physical amenities, we end up providing a listening ear, job advice, car rides, aid in securing various social services, how-tos about getting a car or apartment.  How-tos on signing up for college or vocational school, and the filling out of aid forms.  Legal advice.  What to wear in an interview, and where to get interview clothes.

Toiletries, towels, cups of sugar, anything and everything you can think of.  

Or as I tell my Katie, when she is frustrated by the seventh knock on the door in a day that had four phone calls as well, “The goal is for them to succeed.”  She knows that.  She believes in that as I do.  I’ve seen her make sandwiches and put together a food bag for an adult teen who showed up on our door step at 11pm, not allowed to stay here, but still hungry. For the second time in a week.

But it can be wearying all the same.  Especially when she knows that given the rate of occupancy, and the likely rate of actual program fee payments, we are definitely putting the “non” in “non-profit”!

Let us take, as a purely random example, the time period from last Friday to this Monday.  We started with nearly full occupancy, just one bed available.  And a good friend referred someone who needed a place!  Yay!  Not only was the idea of a full house appealing, but this friend had tried to refer people before, and I’d not had room, so it was nice to be able to say “yes”, especially given how kind he and his wife have been in donating to our Liahona Home.

But alas, while I interviewed and quizzed him for half an hour - when usually I can know either way in five minutes - there was no way I could accept him.  I had known that within five minutes, but wanted to be sure.  And wanted to know if he was helpable elsewhere.  He was not only without a program fee, which might have been dealt with, but was on the sex offender list.

He claimed it was due to having relations with a 17 year old while he was 19.  Which in some states isn’t even a crime.  But I could not take that at face value, as I’ve never met anyone on the registry yet that didn’t assure me that it was a case of 19 and 17 or some other similarly harmless encounter that a mean mom and overzealous prosecutor jacked them up for!

Understand, I am well aware that such can be the case, but it is suspicious that all who come to my door in that situation claim roughly the same thing.  I think I’ll faint the day that one of them honestly says, “Yeah, I deserve to be on the list, I’m a violent predator who preys on little kids.”

Be that as it may, I can’t take any of them on as guests, even if they could prove that they are the lone innocent guy in a sea of psychopathic pedophiles.  Because it would mean that on the sex offender map that you can find on line, there’d be a big old red mark on our sober living home!

I suspect that would not go over well with the neighbors, nor do I wish for them to suspect each of us of being the predator!  Also, it would drive the other guests away till sex offenders would be all we have.  I full well grant that there is a need for homes to cater to such people, but that is just not what we’re about, and frankly, not where my heart is at.

So that bed remained unfilled.  And then we promptly had another bed come empty, as one of the men there had relapsed.  That had been reported to me, and I was already looking into it.  I never rush on these things, as they always manifest themselves.  Always.

I had talked to him the evening before, warning him that urine tests might be done the following week.  He said he’d be happy to have one.  But the next day, when he was already overdue on his $50 program fee, he came in with only $30.  And I knew that he’d just been paid $50 from donating plasma.  (Yeah, I know, don’t get me started, active addicts donate plasma all the time.)

He had a song and dance about the missing $20, but I know that $20 will get someone enough heroin for 12 hours.  I gave him the $30 back - we’re not required to house anyone whether they have the money or not - and said, “Tell you what, let’s go down to Walgreens and you buy a drug test there for $29.  If it shows negative, you’ve lost $30 and won’t stay here.  If it’s clean, you’ll have my apologies and can stay for the full week, and nevermind the $20.”

He’s like, “Um, it may show positive because I had some pain pills earlier this week for a sore tooth.”

Yeah.  Like the accused rapist claiming “I wasn’t there and if I was she wanted it.”, the relapser will always swear that he’ll urinate clean, and if he doesn’t, it was something the doc gave him.

But I’ve had that one pulled before.  A time or six.  I reminded him that I tell everyone that when you’re an addict, it’s on you to advise the doctor, dentist or ER staff to not give you anything that strong.  That when I have a tooth pulled, I use ibuprofen not Vicodin.  

He was still inclined to argue, so I asked, “Besides, where are the rest of the pills?”  He looked puzzled.  I said, “You said the dentist gave you the pills and you took two - where’s the rest of the bottle he prescribed?”

Relapser:  “Uh, he didn’t prescribe it.”

Me:  “I’m not going to bother to listen to you make up the name of that dentist, I’ll just point out that you had unprescribed pharmaceuticals, itself a crime.”

Relapser:  “No, I got it from a friend!”

Me:  “Of course you did.  And when I was drinking myself to death and popping a dozen Vicodin a day, I got all mine from a ‘friend’.  Every dealer is a friend!”

He knew the jig was up, and left peaceably enough, though not without a lecture on the unfairness of it all and the hardness of my heart.  I took him to Helping Hand, which is where I had took him last time I kicked him out.  Yeah, this was his second try.  

He called me two days later, which was today.  He needed a ride to Gateway, a local rehab.  I told him I was pretty sure they did not take walk ins, but he said he wanted to try.  I had a massive migraine, but I know that if ever you fail to aid an addict in seeking recovery he will, for the rest of his life, blame you.

As in, “I would have got clean that one time, but you weren’t there for me!”

So I picked him up and took him there.  On the way he gravely admitted that yes, he has been on heroin.  I had no trouble retaining control over the vehicle when hearing this, and if any feathers were hitting me, they failed to knock me over.  I commiserated with him, as while I do not know personally, I am aware from having dealt with it many times that it is a very formidable drug to attempt to recover from.

I asked when the last time he used was, and he said yesterday morning.  I observed his calm demeanor and translated that into “this morning”.  We got there and I went in with him.  No, I wasn’t going to drop him off, not when Gateway is right near some apartment buildings that I know are choked with heroin, crack, meth and working gals.  

Sure enough, they don’t take walk ins.  But they can do an assessment at noon on Tuesday.  I drove him back to Helping Hand, and he said he does want me to pick him up for that.  I agreed to.  Who knows, right?  This could be the time.

I told him that if he stuck with this for real, that he’d be Man of the Year.  And true enough.  IF he sticks with it, he would be Man of the Year in that it takes as much effort to do what he is speaking of doing as it would to excel superlatively in any endeavor.  

Another guest is short on his fee.  And unlikely to have it before it comes due again.  And is probably not going to get any more under the table work as one of the people who was helping him is missing something, and is pretty sure he has it.  He denies it, and who is to say, but it’s closing a door all the same.  I gave him my patented “The appearance of impropriety” speech.  

And the City of Springfield has served me papers reminding me that while I did get the roof fixed this past summer as they ordered, I have not yet paid the $365 fine for not doing it as fast as they wanted me to.  Yes, while planning on buying plumbing supplies for the two guests downstairs to install, and windows to make this winter more bearable, and dreaming of joining the Chamber of Commerce when I can come up with their annual fee, the City wants to do that.

It’s their usual.  In 8 years of being incorporated, in nearly a decade of taking two condemned houses and turning them into fully functioning productive, clean and property tax paying homes, the City of Springfield has consistently thwarted, delayed, messed up and otherwise slowed me down every step of the way.  From the 25% added on costs they forced upon me in the original renovations, to this latest nonsensical outrage.  Every bit of good done - and to over three dozen guests now - was done in spite of our local government.

No meth addict, no heroin junkie, no psychotic alcoholic has cost me the heartache, the hassle and the huge expenses that my representative government takes such routine pleasure in doing.

And yet.  

Today, one of the two guests in my basement has got a real job!  A young man, the son of the older guest, only 24 years old, has had all that effort in filling out applications pay off!  Having drove him all over last week, and letting him borrow a spare phone I have, it is wonderful to hear that he is starting work this very night, midnight shift, and the temp agency has assured him it will last at least a week!

And that, in spite of any other set back, arrearage, damage, harm, frustration, or such is what makes it all worthwhile.  That sometimes, not often, and not most of the time, but sometimes it works!  Sometimes it clicks.  Sometimes having a temporary safe house, this sober living home, and the aid we can provide is just what it takes to give someone that little boost that gets them over the hump and back on track to a normal life!

That’s good enough for me!

AA Meetings

At five guests being aided now, and a sixth on his way, the Liahona Home is humming along at the moment!  Two are in our basement tackling the neverending plumbing issue in lieu of program fees!  And three are in the main house, with hopefully a fourth coming in a couple of days!

We’ve two rather young guests this time.  One 24, the other 20.  They don’t have a lot of AA meeting experience between them, not like us middle-aged alcoholics with decades of experience!  In fact, the younger one had never been to an AA meeting at all!

Newcomers are always fun.  It reminds you of how odd and amusing AA meetings can be, apart from their legitimate value at helping reign in your addictions!

AA meetings have both structure and variety.  Structure in that they all open and close the same way, pretty much no matter where on Earth you are.  Variety in that when it’s time for each to speak, you never know what you’re going to hear!

But all are ALWAYS welcome!

AA meetings can have different focuses, including when it’s discovered that it’s someone’s first time at a meeting.  No matter what kind of meeting it was going to be, the presence of a newcomer turns it automatically into a newcomers meeting.

That’s when after the usual formalities, each person will be taking a turn addressing the newcomer, welcoming them, giving them words of encouragement, or a cautionary tale, or advice, or just speaking on whatever aids in their own sobriety.

The “whatever aids in their own sobriety” is where you get the most variety.  Every meeting will give anyone the basics.  The entire program, it’s instructions and reasons are given out at the beginning, right after the moment of silence (for all those who haven’t found AA yet) and the Serenity Prayer.  And every meeting will close with the Lord’s Prayer, done in the Protestant style, and the closing mantra of “Keep coming back, it works if you work it SOBER!”

But after the prayer, after the instructions and such, after the announcements, after asking if anyone has an anniversary (like being one month or one year sober), that’s when it’s “open mike” as I think of it.  The chairman will ask who wants to start, then when one volunteers to go first, it will go in a circle from that person till all have had a chance to speak.  Mostly, this all fits into the hour just fine, no matter how many are there.  Sometimes it runs late.  Then you have to ponder whether to break away and possibly bobble someone’s sobriety, or stay and miss that episode of Westworld you were hoping to watch!  

(I stay!)

You all know how it starts. "Hi, I'm Dean and I'm an alcoholic!" (We don't do the last initial thing much any more) Then everyone says, "Hi, Dean!"

But what gets said behind those closed doors after that?  Well, it really varies.  Often times there is a brief reading from the Big Book (The Alcoholics Anonymous Bible) or from the 12 and 12 book.  Then we’re each, in theory, going to speak on that topic.  So you’re basically sharing what that topic means to you, or how it affected you, or how it inspires you or such.

But some will instead just share whatever they came to share anyway, whether it relates or not.  Sometimes they’ll smoothly segue into what they have to share, other times it will be a clumsy transition, other times they’ll just start on their speech, with no attempt to pretend it relates.

In those cases, it will usually be about something alcohol related.  It being entirely unrelated to anything is rare, but not unheard of.  A woman can share about her troubled kid, or a guy can rant a bit about his uncaring ex, or etc.  But it’s rare to be wholly unrelated to alcohol or drugs, and there’s an enormity of tolerance at such meetings.

When in most cases people are sharing about something alcohol or addiction related, it’s usually their personal stories of what drove them to the first AA meeting, or how they knew they hit rock bottom, or some anecdote from their past that illustrates the point of the reading.  

Other times, it is AA related, but can be overly long.  These folks probably don’t get listened to very often, and when they get to a meeting and have that captive audience, it’s all going to come out!  This bothers people to various degrees, but I generally don’t mind.  Clearly it is aiding them, and hey, whatever works, you know?

Yet it has been a bit of a joke before, and at a meeting once when we were discussing this one of the guys made us all laugh because with 2 minutes to go, and he being the last person to speak, he leaned back and said, “Well….it all started when I was seven….!” before grinning so we knew he was just kidding!  And that’s a joke we all laughed at - for having all seen that happen for real before!

Because sure as anything, while rare, it does happen that sometimes, with two minutes to go, someone will just have to share their life story from that first snuck drink at seven to how dad was never there for them, and etc. etc.!

Other times you get odd brags about how bad someone was before they recovered.  It’s when some guy or gal - usually pretty boring looking - wants to make a big deal of “sharing” how bad they were when they were still drinking or using.  So you sit there listening to some guy who looks like an accountant relating this dubious tale of gang banging and hog riding and pipe hitting and rock breaking and as a part of your own personal growth, you pretend to be buying all this!

As funny as that can be, though (and heck, sometimes it’s even true!) it’s even funnier when the next person wants to try to top the last guy’s story, for whatever crazy reason!  I’ve sat at meetings where the first bad boy bragger will speak of shoplifting, then next another will speak of a liquor store hold up, then next someone will talk about a bank job, till I want to jump up and say, “Let’s end this meeting quick, or the next guy is about to confess to serial killing!”

Women aren’t immune to this kind of thing.  I’ve listened to the first woman speaking of cheating on her man, and by the time we get to the fourth woman speaking, she was turning tricks since the age of 15!  Because male or female, there are some who just have to be the best at having been bad!

There are the boasting braggers, too.  The ones who - especially when it’s a newcomers meeting - want to pontificate about how well AA has worked for them, how they read from the Big Book hourly, do everything their sponsor says, are working on the steps for the third time, and how only AA lets them have the house that’s bigger than yours, the car that’s faster than yours, and the girl who’s hotter than - oh, but you don’t even have a girl!  That they inevitably end this kind of speech with “But I can’t take credit for any of this, it’s all the Big Guy Upstairs!” just makes this type of guy even more an invitation to felony assault than he already was!

Closely related to that is the guy who has a very specific plan of recovery that worked for him, and thus must be done by everyone else EXACTLY as he did! And if you don't do it his way, you aren't serious about recovery!

Then there are “the Lifers”.  Most groups have at least one.  If it’s a guy, he looks like he personally killed Hitler.  If a gal, she looks like your mom’s grandmother.  They are the ones who start off their shares the same way each time.  “I last took a drink when Nixon resigned, and I thank God each day for my 42 years of sobriety!”  Me, I think to myself, “Go home, you’re cured!”, but before you jump in to chastise me, yes, I know there is no cure!

Some come to meetings and see the ones I just described, but only see those ones.  And they get instantly jaded and act all superior and condescending and know that they don’t really need this stupid stuff!  But the cynics - and it’s easy to be one - forget the crucial fact that, “Oh, yeah, NONE of them are drinking or using any more!”  Even if just for that day.

And really, the off topic story tellers, the life history givers, the “bad boy braggers”, the arrogant sermonizers, the “one size fits all” folk, the lifers, those are all just a VERY minor part of AA.  A bit of spice to keep things lively.  Some seasoning to let you know that this is real, this is life, and that alcoholics and addicts come in all varieties just like everyone else.

The main of AA is real and personal stories.  Of the depths of despair and the heights of hope.  And everything in between.  I hear an awful lot from newbies, “This is boring, why do I have to go, it’s just a bunch of idiots going on and on!”

And yeah, I get that.  There’s some truth in that.  I’ve felt it myself.  But honestly, it is like they say at AA - “you only get out of it what you put into it”.  And if you listen with an open heart and mind, you will rarely attend a meeting in which you do not glean at least one nugget of wisdom, of inspiration or example.  It’s there, and it will always be there, if only in the reading.  

We tell newbies who are just out of detox or rehab, “do the ninety in ninety”.  That’s where you hit a meeting a day for ninety days in a row.  And yeah, at first, it’s really strange, as you are trying to adjust to this odd kind of meeting at once so standard and so different each time.  You don’t know the words to the Serenity Prayer or when to hold hands, or when to stand, or what to say if you don’t want to talk, or a bunch of other stuff that only comes with time, with patience, and with you promising to “keep coming back”.

And yeah, you hear a lot of boring stories - boring especially if you’re listening with an ear that is still attached to the head of a person who hasn’t committed to sobriety yet.  And you hear a lot of oddball things that seem to bear no relation to anything, especially if in your addiction you still believe you’re above it all.  

But if you stay long enough, if you get your head more into an “in it to win it” mode, if you’re truly committing to it, you will start to hear some good and true things in all the sharings.

Yes, some will be silly.  Or standard.  But there is wisdom to be gleaned in almost any sharing, whether it is the same old same old, or something new that you never considered.  And be it an affirmation or a revelation, it is always better than just about anything else you could be doing that evening!  Certainly better than a drink, in which case you’d be babbling stuff pretty boring - or silly  - to anyone sober!