Basement Remodeling

Based on the second largest single donation we've ever got being received this past month, we are now going to go ahead with our long put off plans for doing the basement!

This will do several things. For starters, we will be replacing the electrical box, upgrading so that the second house will go from 2/3rds power to full power. This means no more having to disconnect the microwave and such in order to plug in the washer machine, and no more worrying about how many heaters can be plugged in!

Secondly, a bathroom will be installed. Thirdly, walls and wiring for the basement, sufficient to have a virtual "efficiency" down there will be done.

There will be other things done, but that is the main, and will allow us to help six people total instead of four. 

The donation we recently received was a from a Sister in our Church. It is not wholly sufficient for the entirety of the project, but coupled with part of a previous donation we had received that was to be towards a roof, it gets us within shouting distant of the total cost needed.

Also for January, we have several fund raising opportunities, if by "fund raising opportunities" we mean "additional part time jobs" for myself! This will aid in bringing in even more money to this project!

And of course, if any care to, this would be an admirable time for any donations you may have thought of making, but had put off! We are aware that just after the holiday season is not the optimal time for soliciting funds, but this weather has been remarkably mild so far, and we'd still like to be able to accommodate additional people before it gets truly cold.

Later on, after we do have additional guests, we will be in a better position, and for the first time, to begin to approach some measure of self-sufficiency, such that a new roof will be more possible this upcoming spring. And when that happens, we will truly be doing well.

Basically, if all continues to go well, we may finally have both houses at capacity this winter and fully renovated this spring! 

(Pictured: The Start)

When you can help - help!

Next year, full power!

It was September of 2014, a little over a year ago, that my wife and I had a real decision to make.  We were living in the 700 E. Stanford house, and we knew that it would be another two years before we could fix up the house next door enough for it to be livable. 

Which would mean that we could not start a sober living home to help others till 2016.  The end of 2016.  That seemed a long time to wait to start helping others.

Then we realized, after much number crunching, that if we could some how live in the house with no amenities, that the revenue from having a sober living home, while not enough to pay for the actual costs of it, would defray things some what.

And that living in the house with no electricity or plumbing would focus our time and attention on it far more and far faster.

We were right.  When we moved over to the broken house, it did focus our attention very fast! 

It was very hard at first.  We had electricity by a series of extension cords running across the back yard from the shed of the fixed up house to ours.  We had water because the ladies of the Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had gave us enough water containers and milk jugs to fill up a lot of them from the outside faucet next door.

I remember when we first got the toilet working - in that as long as we hand poured water into the tank from a jug, it would actually flush!  That was actually pretty exciting!  And then, the even better day in October of 2014, where we got the plumbing fixed enough to have cold water turned on, so we could have a flush toilet without hauling the water in, and even water for the kitchen sink!

The shower was plumbed in and fixed in November, but was only cold water.  We had no water heater.  Not till after that first winter was over, and a kindly brother from the Church donated one to us in March of 2015.

Also by November of 2014 we managed to get half power on.  Enough that we could remove all the extension cords from next door to here but one.  That one was for a heater in the basement, to keep the pipes from freezing, because we have no furnace. 

But we had enough wired electricity for one space heater in the bedroom, and a four hundred and fifty square foot house can get moderately tolerable with just that!  That and the clever idea of running the dryer to blow hot air into the kitchen!  And putting extra wall insulation over the windows!

And yet it was all good, as after some false starts, we were able to have a sober living home - called The Liahona Home - up and running and aiding four men.  We have, since opening it, managed to aid, at least partially, and at least for awhile, 18 people. 

That's 18 people exposed to the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Who each got a copy of the Book of Mormon.  Who each got to see all the posters, pictures, copies of the Ensign, and such, all around the house.

Who got to learn that at least we "Mormons" were not a bunch of crazies.  Who got to talk to me and get to know me, and in some cases, to get to know the missionaries and other members, and learn that we are Christians, too.

Who got - however briefly - a safe place to attempt sober living, if such was what they truly wished, and to learn new habits and behaviors.  We've aided with resumes and job hunts and giving rides and just talking and advising.  Some of them have talked with the Missionaries, some have come to our Church, some have done service work for various members in need of it.

It's been a good year.  We got many things done we wanted done.  And some things, not quite yet.  A roof we hoped to do this Fall, has had to be delayed to Spring.  And while we've made some progress on our basement, it is still not sufficiently "done" for us to accept two more guests. 

The program fees have helped a bit.  In making some repairs, and defraying some maintenance and improvement costs.  At $150 per person (includes shelter, utilities, internet, trash, netflix, etc.) we're still not on a "break even" basis yet.  It's hard to run a house for four guys on $600 a month, if by "hard" we mean "not really possible at all"! 

But we're getting there.  And when we can get the next part up and running, we'll be doing a bit better.  So we've a lot of hopes for next year.  A finished basement.  A new roof.  Two more spots for more guests - heck, we've already got the beds and dressers for when we can take them in!

And we're hoping for more baptisms.  Four people have learned of our Church through our efforts, then took lessons with the missionaries and got baptized.  We're hoping for more of that next year!  We think that's possible! 

And the groups we run online, sixteen and counting, are humming along.  Those alone counted for three out of four of this years baptisms, so that's something! 

And our regular offline outreach is going well, though we want to try to do more and better next year.  Still, we've aided in a lot of non-member moves and yard work and general advice and assistance this year, and we hope that's planted some seeds.

Baby steps.  First things first!  For now, we'll focus on that basement.  We just recently got a door installed, and next up, we'll be working on that electrical box, as in replacing it.  Time to go from half to full power! 

Three Ways to Aid

Cleaning supplies, toilet paper, toiletries such as toothpaste, toothbrushes, soap, shampoo, etc.

These are what the men at the Liahona Home are often short of, at least one of those things or another.

I see these as three different things, or three different opportunities to aid, for those who sometimes ask us, "How can I help?":

One, if any one is interested in aiding with some extra cleaning supplies, such that you might have a bottle or two of such and so sitting under your sink collecting dust, that would be of aid. Windex, furniture polish, bleach, rags, air freshener, that kind of thing.

Two, toilet paper is always a point of contention at that house, as in "who's using who's and who's not chipping in", so any donations of that are always of aid!

Three, a kind of "toiletries starter kit", such as a toothbrush, toothpaste, bar of soap, bottle of shampoo, bottle of mouthwash, pack of disposable Bic shavers, deodorant stick, comb and all of that packaged in some bath towel, would be of general aid. In that scenario, it would be nice to have some of those so as to give to each new guest as they first come in.

Our turnover not being exceptionally high, I'm picturing starting with one dozen of such bath towel wrapped "kits".

(By the way, such kits - with the addition of a Book of Mormon and a pamphlet listing various social services in your area - are what you should have made up and sitting in your car, so that if you see someone holding a "Will work for food" sign you can give them that. In that scenario you'd probably skip the towel and have it all in a plastic bag. You'd include a $5 McDonald's gift certificate, too, if you liked.

The beauty of such bags is that they can't be misused! Cash usually does far more harm than good, for those still on the street.)

Back to our sober living home, the toiletry kits wrapped in a towel would be a wonderful welcome gift to each new guest, and would always be of help.

Below: Used towels are fine for wrapping up toiletries, but such should be already laundered and serviceable. 

Drug Tests

Running the Liahona Home, we're obviously well familiar with the principle of "deny, deny, deny", where a person is never going to admit guilt, no matter how obvious it is.

Of course, in fairness to our guests, we're also well familiar with the principle of "deny, deny, deny" due to my own past difficulties with alcohol. 

Long suffering wife:  Have you been drinking?
Me:  No, of course not!
Wife:  Is that alcohol I smell on your breath?
Me:  No, it was Nyquil, I have a cold!
Wife:  What about this empty pint of gin I found?
Me:  Must have been from back when I was still drinking!
Wife:  What was it doing in your desk drawer?
Me:  What were you doing in my desk drawer?  And anyway, I never go in there, I hardly use my desk. 
Wife:  It wasn't in your desk drawer last week!
Me:  Maybe it was, but in the back, and moved forward since.
Wife:  You said you don't use that drawer.
Me:  Cats might have bumped the desk.  Hard to say. 

Etc.

Always an answer, never an admission.  Yet I'd like to think that even I would have balked at being confronted with a breathalyzer or other such test, and manned up then.

Certainly I hope that of our guests.  See, each of those tests costs between $20 and $30.  So I'd much rather a person admit it freely then force me to give the test.

Understand, we can't compel a test, that's beyond the scope of our sober living home.  Only Parole Officers or Probation Officers can do that.  But we can offer.  And the rule is, if you refuse to take the test, you're automatically gone from the house.

So if we offer, the person pretty much has to take it, unless they're leaving right then.

What we do, though, is offer for them a chance to admit it.  If they're willing to admit it first, thus saving us the cost of a test, then we're willing to work with them, though it would mean a more difficult regimen for them.  (And of course we're willing to work with anyone who comes forward even before any request for a test.)

But it's odd - some people will still just deny using, and still take the test, with the sure and certain and obvious knowledge that they'll fail.  Just earlier this month we had a guest who was suspected of rocking up some cocaine into crack, and I offered for him to confess first.

The evidence was fairly strong - job difficulties, missing curfew, burnt spoon ("That's not my spoon!").  But no, he went ahead with the test.  I gave it to him.  Rather reluctantly, as I knew I was basically now paying $20 just to tell someone to leave. 

He took it.  It wasn't one of those "close" times with faded lines or iffy results or long time lapses.  If there had been an "Oh, h*ll yeah" box on the test, it would have filled in at once.  I went to tell him and he was already in his bedroom packing.  Which kind of bugged me.  I mean, what did I do to him for him to cost me $20?

Ahh, well.  He left peaceably enough, so that was something. 

Another guy after that - in fact, the guy who replaced him - we suspected then of abusing pharmaceuticals, probably the opioids.  Sleeping a ton of hours per day, sleeping during the day, getting money - but then not having cash for smokes - all the signs of someone wasting money on drugs and nodding off on them.  Oh, and a "good reason" for everything odd.  Too many good reasons.  Past a certain point, odd is odd, no matter the reasons.

I made him the same offer.  He said he had nothing to confess.  In fact, if I'd wait till tomorrow, he'd get some cash and give me the cost of the test, and if it was positive, I could keep the cash.  Uh huh. 

I went ahead and said that I'd just take the chance.  He swore he'd pay me anyway were it to be positive.  I said, "Well, you're welcome to, but since you'll be out of here tonight if it is positive, I don't really expect you to pay me the next day.  Not that you're not welcome to!"

He swore it wouldn't matter, as it was sure to be negative.  I got the test out of the box.  It was different than the other one.  I read the procedure.  All the while he is swearing his innocence and letting me know about how bad everyone but him is.  That's classic chaff behavior.  Deflection and distraction.  I said it's not about others, I'm concerned about him.

Finally, I said I was ready, and I started to get ready to open the foil wrapper the cup was in.  He said, "Wait, you know what?  I just remembered, I was at the hospital a couple of nights ago, and they gave me something - not sure what - that might make me test positive."

I put it away.  I was not very happy.  Mainly because he was obviously lying, but at the same time, he at least 'fessed up before the test.  I reluctantly offered to work with him on this and have him stay, but amazingly, he got upset over that!

His premise was that since it happened at the hospital, he was not at fault!  And therefore should have no special regimen!  I gently pointed out that regrettably a positive is a positive, and while he might not be aware of it, some addicts had been known to lie about where and how such drugs came to be in their system!

He was even more upset.  But this kind of bothered me.  I mean, this is obvious, especially to guys in our situation.  I pointed out that there were really only three possibilities, all bad.  He might be lying about having gone to the hospital - he jumped in to vigorously assure me such was not the case.  I reminded him that it was at least possible, and to just listen please.

I said that secondly, he might have actually gone to the hospital and lied to them to get drugs, not all that unlikely since he was at our home for that very problem - drug seeking behavior, forged prescriptions, etc.  He rushed to assure me that such would be the furthest thing from his mind!

I said the third possibility, that he'd love me to believe, was that he went to the hospital with a bona fide problem and accepted pain medication of the sort that would cause a test to show positive for opioids.  This he said was true.

But, I said, that was actually bad.  That alcoholics and addicts aren't normal people, and he was failing - assuming that is what happened - to accept that.  That while a normal person should expect Hydrocodone from a dentist for a pulled tooth, guys like us better be asking for Ibuprofen 800 instead.  Same with whatever took him to the hospital two nights ago, if he had went.

So it was the regimen or...

Well, he thought that was really unjust, and he said he'd just leave.  And so he did.  And when I gave him the customary ride to "anywhere you want", he said to take him to the hospital.  I asked if he'd not rather go to his mom's, but he told me she was there, and that he'd be meeting her.  (He had no phone, so this was unlikely.)

I took him there.  On the way he asked if he could have a refund of "his" program fee.  I reminded him that Catholic Charities paid his fee and that I'd call them tomorrow over the leftover 19 days.  (We never give cash to someone who has to leave, but we'll give credit for the remaining days if the person leaves on good terms and complies with certain conditions of return.)

I begged him along the way to stop whatever he might be on - he interrupted to assure me he was on nothing.  I begged him that in a hypothetical case of him being on something, to please stop and reconsider and go to a detox.  He insisted again he was clean.

I dropped him off at the ER.  The next day I heard he was picked up by the police for acting crazy in some gas station.  Where he was insisting on being took to the hospital.  

On to the next guest.  At least I still have a drug test handy.  Though I hope it will be awhile before I have to offer it again.

A Random Night for a Program Supervisor

3:30am - There's been a problem lately of someone in the Liahona Home sleeping in the living room on the couch. And yes, in a home with four men with four work schedules, that kind of thing is a problem.

I know that right now, as I type, it's 98% certain that someone is doing that right now. If by "someone", I mean, "The very person I talked to about this earlier today, yesterday, last week and last month."

Still sounds small, I know. But a failure to enforce one of our few rules only leads to greater violations of the more important rules. And that already happened once four days ago, and I don't want that happening again.

Guess I'll go over now. Alcoholics are like puppies. If you don't catch us in the act, we won't learn.

3:43am - I'm back now. Yeah, he was. First line of his defense was having the porch light off - another rule violation - and the bottom part of the door locked. That way the noise I'd make trying to get in the front door would give him time to sit up.

So I went in the back.

Second line of defense was that he "can't" sleep on the mattress in the bedroom, too hard. This I've heard from him before.

I pointed out that as it happened, I had been looking for a new mattress so as to address his concerns, and that he was still free to swap with any other guest if he wanted, but at the end of the day, this is a $150 place.

And not per night, or per week. Per month. I reminded him that that meant no mints on pillows or goose down mattresses.

I went over - again - the reasoning behind the rules, how few they were, and how important it was that such we have be followed. And how some small rule violations lead to medium rule violations and then too big a violation.

(I learned this method from my dad. Bore them to tears with the review, and it becomes it's own punishment.)

Third line of defense, that others are doing it or worse. I must say, I've been relieved in this non-profit enterprise that I've previously raised cats and teenagers. It's aided me, it truly has.

I spent some time in upbuilding, in case any reading this are worried. I had spoke true to him - and he knows this - that we are the nicest and most accommodating sober living home in Springfield. At least, and be consistent with being a sober living home.

Our rules are minimal - so as to give them leeway in their job schedules, and our program fee is miniscule and below actual cost.

I asked afterward if he and I were okay. He said we were. I hope we are. Less than three hours from now when others awake there and I do - or do not - get a complaint by text message about him on the couch, I'll know.

(I was called right about when I had finished writing the above.)

3:47am - Had to go back. He called to have me come over. It was a "rights" issue, as in what right did I have to come over at 3:30am. And through the back door.

I pointed out that had I tried to navigate a darkened porch and open a doubly locked door, there'd have been time to sit up and put blankets and pillow away. Then I'd not be able to talk about it, but would only get denials.

Then the question was about what right there was in general for these rules.

I explained as I had before the application had been filled out. That we're a sober living home operating under the specific federal law that pertains (and was created for) sober living homes. There are no landlord/tenant relations. There is no right to drink on premises, or smoke or for that matter, to sleep on a couch in the living room.

There is the right to pay a program fee and follow the house rules.

I did point out that there are other rights. For instance, the right of any guest to seek out a different sober living home that has rules more or less to their liking. With - in all cases I know of - bigger fees, though.

I pointed out that any guest has the right to seek out any apartment, trailer or house ran by a landlord. And the landlord would have no right to come over at 3:30am, and they could drink and smoke and sleep wherever they wanted in that place.

But that typically that would cost between $300 and $700 per month, depending.

I explained that this is a matter of what one is willing to pay for. That while I was in fact looking for any other mattress, that this place just is what is, a way station, a transitory living place, the point B between A, where you were, and C, where you hope to be.

I also mentioned that no one wants "no rules". I said that you mean you want no rules for yourself, if just you live there. I know you don't want the other three to have no rules.

In theory, there is an understanding now. I hope there is. I closed on my own last line of defense. The "If anyone is unhappy, I can pro-rate their fee back to them and aid them in driving them to any place they'd be happier."

I was not took up on that. But then, I never have been.

TMI

In the main, the program as outline in Alcoholics Anonymous is the best program that we have for battling Alcoholism, and in fact, all other addictions as well.  And it is the one we insist on the Liahona Home.

Yet there is an issue that I have always took some exception with, and was grateful to learn that others before me have, too, and especially that one "other" was a quite high authority.

What I refer to is the practice, of when a person has been free of alcohol for a long period, then slips, to instantly run to a meeting and let all those there know - be they long in their sobriety or just starting - that he slipped.

I've sat in those meetings, as a still struggling alcoholic, and frankly, those confessions distressed me.  I'd be looking up to such people with their year of sobriety, or their two years, or their 10 years or 20.  It would be giving me some small hope of achieving such a feat myself.

Then on an evening like any other, they'd come in and cryingly confess to having slipped.  The slip would - in most of the cases I ever heard - be small and unlikely to be repeated, but they would confess it nonetheless.  Then they'd return to their sobriety, apparently feeling better for having shared, and the burden they no longer were carrying would be carried by us.

Or from my perspective - by me!

Some are no doubt saying that this is the point of AA.  That we can share our personal remorse and doubts and weaknesses and then the whole group in some fashion carry that which was too heavy for us.

And in some aspects of it, in some things, and in the main, that is good and fair enough.  But on the matter of a long term sober man or woman coming in to confess, I think it does more harm then good, and more harm to the person confessing as well as to I and others who must hear it.

First, it does harm me, as it filled me with a sense of hopelessness that even if I could abstain for 10 or 20 years, that I might slip and fall as they did, and have all my Sobriety and Coins and such come crashing to the floor!  To be back again and reset to zero and no further along then when I first realized I had a problem!

Second, it harms the person confessing.  This is more controversial for me to say, but I believe this.  I believe that sometimes some things in our lives are not "real" until we've told them to another.  Thus the couple talking about divorce may talk and talk about for years, with no concrete harm to their relationship done, but the moment one shares it with a friend, it becomes "real" and the actual divorce is quick to follow.

Why?  Because before either told another, they feared what the reactions would be.  Maybe their friends would shun them!  Maybe no one would like them any more!  Maybe everyone would side with the other spouse! 

But when they share with their first friend they at once find out that they were not struck by lightening or otherwise killed or attacked, and that the friend is in the main sympathetic and still loves them and will not be shunning them, and in fact, will probably see more of them!

This lets them know that if they were to divorce - or whatever bad thing they had been contemplating - that they will not be harmed or made to live alone forever!   And thus - seemingly paradoxically - they are now more inclined to do whatever that hidden behavior was, then before, when it was still hidden!

I feel - and I feel it drawing upon my own experience in battling alcohol - that this applies to alcohol and drugs and other battles against addiction.

At the start, when you are first making a go of it, then yes, I believe that full and frank confessions in AA meetings are appropriate, good and needful.  Especially as in coming out of the active stage of alcoholism you've likely been harming a great many people with it, and confession of harm to others is always appropriate, no matter what.

You also only have days or months in, and no one is looking up to you as any kind of long term role model.  Your confession of back-sliding is not going to cause despair in any one, even the guy who is struggling towards his 24 hour coin.

But when you have a year plus in, and on some random day or night you have a slip, then a self-assessment is needed - and strongly encouraged by me - before you make any grand declaration at the next AA meeting.

The most crucial thing is this - was it "just" that one time slip?  Are you realizing now, at this moment, how stupid that was, and how you feel no desire to re-commit that offense against yourself? 

If so, then say nothing to others, and go one as if you have your year plus, and do not bother or stumble others by making them think that a year plus is impossible - and do not stumble yourself by making real that which is not yet fully real!

Because you know how others will see you if you confess that you slipped.  They'll see you as weak and worthless and without hope.  That their confidence in you was misplaced and that they should never trust you again.  That you are now to be shunned and be outside the pale of all acceptable company ever!

Of course, even reading this, you kind of know that it would not truly be as bad as all that - yet no alcoholic can ever quite be sure if it might not be, and certainly in some cases for some it might well be just as bad as all that, if not more!  We each have burnt bridges, people do reach a breaking point, the next time could be the time where you'd be shunned!

So, either way, are you going to risk sharing it with another and making it "real"?  Of learning that you might be able to get away with it and still have friends and support?  Is not the fear of being ostracized - a fear again, that might be real - one worth keeping, as it tends to aid you in keeping sober?

Do you really wish to learn differently?  And thus learn that you could - possibly - keep drinking?

I emphasize again, to confess may well get one shunned, so do not think that it is automatic that if you did confess, all would be okay and you could keep drinking.  That is not the point.  What I mean is that you might confess, be shunned by the decent people who are finally fed up with your repeated back-slidings, but then you realize that you might be able to live with that, and thus continue to run to the bottle.

If you have then any regard or respect for those around you, and for their opinion of you, then please, let yourself keep that if it aids you in not drinking again, and do not throw that aid away out of some misguided sense of "honesty".

Am I then counseling dishonesty?  No.  Only that not everything needs to be shared with your fellow man.

By confessing then only to God, and re-committing to sobriety privately, you are preserving one of the tools you have in maintaining your sobriety - the good regard of other men.  If that is a value to you, and aids you in sobriety, then do NOT throw it away.  But DO confess to God, repent and renew your commitment to carry on, wiser and better prepared.

Understand, obviously if then you have "just" another slip and "just" another several times, this advice is NOT to be took.  Clearly then, after several times in some kind of short period, you have a larger problem than some random slip or unique moment of weakness.

In those cases, you should confess to others, especially as with each "just one slip" you are more and more likely to have injured another some how, or at least put them at risk with bad behaviors such as drunk driving or neglecting your job or family responsibilities.

But if it is that one time slip, and you feel sure, then try to simply re-commit and carry on.  If nothing happens for a month, still then carry on.  And if nothing happens for a year, then you'll see that it was wise to have remained silent and not made a large thing - that could stumble you and others - out of a small thing that you did at least repent of.

Oh, but who was that "high authority" I was mentioning at the beginning of this article? 

A man rather important to me, given my faith, his name was Brigham Young.  A Prophet in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that I am a member of.

In his Journal of Discourses, Volume 8, he had this to say:

"I have my weakness, and you have yours; but if I am inclined to do that which is wrong, I will not make my wrong a means of leading others astray...

...I believe in coming out and being plain and honest with that which should be made public, and in keeping to yourselves that which should be kept. If you have your weaknesses, keep them hid from your brethren as much as you can. You never hear me ask the people to tell their follies. But when we ask the brethren, as we frequently do, to speak in sacrament meetings, we wish them, if they have injured their neighbors, to confess their wrongs; but do not tell about your nonsensical conduct that nobody knows of but yourselves. Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take that person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God, and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it."

The insight of this man astonished me when a kindly brother in my Church brought it to my attention, I felt it really resonated with me. 

I have seen some in AA get stumbled by first admitting a one time slip after a year or so, but then when the heavens do not fall upon them, and they realize that it's such a long road back to that year coin or two year coin - why all the incentive then is for them to drink again!

They see no real punishment on one hand, and all the rewards that were holding them steady gone - or pushed far in the future - on the other hand! 

I have also seen - no, experienced - the opposite.  My own wife knows the truth of this.  I have not slipped in many years, but it was not always so for me.  I had my year plus, and then a night of foolishness.  I knew then, instinctively, that if this were to be made a big deal, that all would be lost, or at least put at real risk.

I told that to my wife, and she "got it".  With the reservations as to whether it would turn out to be one slip or many.  But it was just one slip.  I shudder to think of how it could have played out if she had made a big deal out of it.  Or if I had gone in to a meeting and made a big deal of it. 

I have heard of this from others.  After a year plus, a slip.  And then sometimes, after another couple of years, another slip, though more minor.  And then sobriety without interruption.  What are the limits, what are the parameters, how many slips is too many?

Oh, if it is more than that slip in a year, or at least more than a slip in a month after having had a year of sobriety, you should go to a meeting and confess.  That is what that specific meeting is for.  But if you believe you can re-commit, and if in doing, you do not then slip, then the wisdom of having waited before confessing will make itself apparent. 

And after all, if you did repent privately, and did not re-offend, then after awhile, you won't really have anything to confess.  It will have paid off.  If by chance you fail, the meeting is always there, and you can confess soon enough then, but try to simply let one slip be one slip first.

There'll be time enough for big, tearful, sobriety-destroying, morale sinking confessions later if need be!  Just always try to get back on the horse first, and only if that proves impossible or you're thrown too often tell others!

Excuses and Chaff

People who refuse to live clean and sober are frustrating.  For one, there's no reasoning with them.  You can tell them the benefits of living sober and they'll agree entirely.  Yep, they won't argue with you at all, they 100% agree that living clean and sober is the way to go, and they will be up for spending some time in making sure you know that.  What they won't then do is actually start living clean and sober. 

It's amazing to witness.  At no point are they disagreeing with you.  They completely agree that being clean and sober is the best thing to be.  It's "just" that their addiction/alcoholism is not as bad as the ones you're speaking of, or they have a handle on it, or they're not really the ones with the problem, or their loved ones and friends are exaggerating, or other people drink and drug worse, or really, it's "just" not any one elses concern, as their drinking/drugging is not affecting anyone else. 

I put "just" in quotes, because I hate that word.  It's like as long as something is "just" then a bad is some how good and wrong is some how right.  "Just" is some word that apparently lets you acknowledge bad while denying it's badness.  Were you cheating?  Why no, I was "just" on a date with Trixie.  Were you drinking?  No, I was "just" having a few to unwind.  Were you drugging?  No, I was "just" sniffing the heroin, not shooting it or anything.

Then for two, they want to make anything you say personal.  So when you explain how living in a clean and sober fashion - not just for a day or month, but month after month - is a benefit, they want to act like you're suggesting they're a bad person.  Like you're trying to lay some kind of guilt trip on them.  Which is odd, since they had - as mentioned in my first point - previously agreed that living clean and sober is a good thing.

But they will be upset with you, mark my word.  They'll become defensive.  "Hey, we're all flawed, man, we're all sinners!" they'll say, as if by commenting on that obvious fact that it then excuses their particular sin.  This is "chaff", as in something tossed out to distract you.  It's not real.  You can confirm my assessment of this by pointing out to them that you agree that everyone is flawed and sinning, but you're not advocating a leap up to perfection, only for a modest improvement that - in theory - both of you agree is good.  Like to now live clean and sober. 

If what they had said about how we're all flawed was real, this is where they'd hit their forehead and say, "Yeah, I hadn't thought of it like that!  I guess I should start living sober, and not use the fact that we can't be perfect as an excuse to not grow and improve!"  But as it really was chaff, they'll instead be upset with you and ask why you're down on them or some other deflective question said with a tone that is as clear in meaning as a cat's hiss.  "Get away", that tone will say.

Also, this is where they'll want to justify by citing how good they are in general.  And so if you continue to argue with them, it's like you are disagreeing with their "good guy" status.  They'll trot out how they're providing for family or still holding a good job or attending a church or being kind to their mom or other such chaff.  And all that, by the way, is chaff.  They already know that you could easily point out that Hitler was kind to his dog - what does that have to do with his bad?  And likewise, so they work for a living or love their mom - so what? 

But while we're all supposed to be kind to dogs, work for a living and love our moms, they toss this stuff out so that if you agree, then they're like "See?  Since I'm so great, I hardly need to worry about being clean and sober this month!"  Forgot is that those things aren't really that great.  We're all expected to work and bathe and pet dogs and give gruel to orphans.  Those good things don't excuse doing bad.

It's forgot that even if those things were super-duper great, that it still wouldn't matter.  Getting an A + + + in History class doesn't mean that it's okay to flunk Math and English.  And doing good in a million ways each month does not excuse failing to be clean and sober for that same month.  Cure cancer, save a kitten from a fire, leap tall buildings - you're still supposed to be clean and sober each month.

Thirdly, when they can't agree with you to death or toss out suitable chaff to distract you, they'll end up blaming something or someone.  Now you know you're getting somewhere, the somewhere being their second to last line of defense.  This is where you'll hear how the stress of family or job causes their drinking.  Or how if anyone was in their situation, they'd do the same.  They don't have time for AA or NA meetings.  Their schedule is to busy.  Those meetings don't do any good anyway.  Those in the meetings are lousy.  Concurrent with this is the stuff from before, too, so you get mixes and matches of excuses and chaff. 

"I drink because of my job, but not so much as Steve, and it isn't hurting anyone and it's just a few each night, and do you know how many charities I help with?"  Yeah, they'll still use all the other stuff, but they'll now be implicitly admitting a (tiny!) problem, but one excused by other people or situations not treating them right.  It's still chaff, as you'll find out if you try to explain how there is no problem that won't be made WORSE by failing to be clean and sober, and then observing that they still will not be clean and sober.

Instead, you'll get down to their last line of defense.  You'll be attacked.  Who are you to be on their case about this?  Are you some kind of puritan?  Some busybody sticking your nose in their business?  Are you their friend - or their mom?  And besides, are YOU perfect?  A rather bizarre question when you think of it logically, as it would suggest that unless you are perfect, you could not then criticize anyone about anything ever!  And yet there is the person who drinks and drugs, criticizing you, though having previously admitted that drinking and drugging is bad!

Apparently then, the person refraining from being clean and sober each month is okay - but you mentioning it is bad!  At any of these various levels, this is where the alcoholic/addict has wanted you to walk away.  Walk away fooled, walk away in friendship, walk away thinking something will be done, walk away thinking nothing needs be done, or walk away realizing that you're too imperfect to discuss it - but WALK AWAY and leave them to their drinking and drugging.

And inevitably, that is what you must do.  Walk away.  If the person won't admit they have a problem, there's nothing you can do to "make them".  You can only do two things at that point.  Wait for them to hit rock bottom and realize that they need to make a change - and you can be there for them then.  And in the meanwhile, be there for any family or friends of theirs who get hurt by relying on the alcoholic/addict, and then being let down by that alcoholic/addict. 

For the alcoholic/addict is not just hurting himself, he's hurting all those who had relied upon him being clean and sober each month.  So until they're ready for help, help those who relied upon them. 

118 and 021

How do you persuade a person to be baptized?

We don't know.  We know it's important.  We know that it will aid them in all manner of ways.  We know that ultimately, without it, the person is "lost" no matter how much they may materially improve their lot in life.  But as to how to persuade them, then beyond the question begging "lead them to the Holy Spirit", there is no sure-fire specific answer that works 100% of the time. 

It's obviously a question that has concerned us, that being a major goal of our Mission. 

Wait...what?  We're a sober living home, right? 

Well, the Liahona Home is the name of our sober living home that we run.  But the name of the non-profit is the Liahona Mission, which has two service code identifiers on it's corporate paperwork.  118 and 021.  We have to put those on our Annual Report to the Attorney General when we file with the Illinois Charitable Trust Bureau each year.

What are the two numbers?

Under 118 falls the goal of the Liahona Home.  Which is to provide a safe and secure place for up to four people to continue a process of recovery from alcohol and/or drugs, and be able to save up money to achieve independent living.

By charging such a modest monthly program fee ($150) that includes everything (bed, utilities, internet, laundry, etc.) we aid them in being able to save up for that first apartment, trailer, house. 

Otherwise, the gap between a rehabilitative shelter and coming up with first, last and deposit can prove to difficult, and send a person crashing back down.

There's other things associated with that program, including regularly attending AA/NA meetings, resume building, job seeking, general advice and - as always! - "free rides to church"!  Church is not a requirement, either ours or others, but it is encouraged.

But all that and more is the goal of the Liahona Home which again, falls under 118, which is titled "Services for Alcohol or Drug Abuse".  The goal of the Liahona Mission on the other hand is a bit broader, and involves 021, titled "Missionary Activities". 

The Liahona Mission is here to lead people to Jesus Christ.  Providing a safe and secure residence and program for those in need is just one way we have of doing that mission.

While the running of a sober living home is a larger job than some would think, and while to fail to attend to that job daily can see a group living environment house explode in short order, there are still hours left in the day for other things.

Some of the other things are also involved with the home.  Giving rides to interviews, or medical appointments or to pick up medicine or to get to work when a bus is missed or when the shift ends to late for a bus.  Or giving rides to various AA meetings.

But then there is the general outreach work and missionary efforts to bring people to the church apart from those who live in the Liahona Home.  This is everything from service work to the Mary Bryant Home for the Blind, reading to people at nursing homes, aiding in soup kitchens, giving advice, giving rides, moving people in-town or even from town to town, and really, anything else that comes up that looks like a good opportunity to share the message with others and lead them to the church.

And which outreach work and missionary efforts aid in doing that most efficiently is the million dollar question.  There is no sure-fire specific answer, only general guidelines.  We've had cases where inordinate time, effort, and money were spent in aid of a family that were as sure a prospects as ever could be, only to have them utterly reject coming to know Jesus or attend a church.  Other cases of the most minimal amount of time and talking expended have resulted in baptisms. 

Working closely with missionaries has taught us that our experiences in this mirror theirs.  From this we deduce that it's not about how much you do for another, at least that is not a sufficient causal factor.  It depends more on where their heart is and where your heart is.  You can control where your heart is, you cannot control where theirs is.  And yet where their hearts are do seem to be necessary factors. 

Besides having your heart in the right place, it's a matter of knowing math.  We can't know the outcome of one individual ministered to, but we can try to assess what percentages of a given number of people might be led to be baptized.  Missionaries are told that it can take knocking on 100 doors to get an answer, and 100 answering to get one appointment!  And perhaps even 100 appointments for a baptism!  For some that tells them that door knocking is a waste of time (wrong answer!) and others figure, "We'd best get to knocking then!" (right answer!).

Math tells us then that the more effort and outreach to the more people, the more likelihood of getting the 1 in X that may have their heart in the right place.  How much is X?  That's hard to say, yet.  Since starting to work full time at this, we've had four baptisms.  Let's break that down.

Online, we reached at least 50,000 people from which 3 were baptized.  That number is derived from counting the total numbers of people in the various groups we run, plus the "page view" data for who has looked at various pages we host.  The number could be as much as 100,000, if other things were factored in, but it could be as little as a few thousand, if we had a means of differentiating between "glance" and "actual reading and studying".  We're tentatively operating on the assumption of 1 baptism out of 16,000 reached for online efforts, as a very rough working estimate. 

Off line, we may have helped/reached 12 non-member residents of the Liahona Home, half a dozen non-members in moving, at least two dozen in giving rides/general advice, at least another three dozen who witnessed us aiding others (friends and relatives of house guests, non-members of partial member families) and hard to say how many witnessed any good works of ours total.  We know that some do, and based on that they inquire about learning more.  We know that in some cases, we make more of an impression on the loved ones and friends of those we help than the actual ones we help. 

We know for a fact that in at least one case, an attempt to re-activate an inactive church goer failed to re-activate that person, but did encourage the non-church going relative of the inactive to start seeking and eventually get baptized.  In another case, aiding a church goer led to a random stranger witnessing that, who then told a caretaker, who then mentioned it to someone who she took care of, and that person then attended a Sunday church service, and at least has started seeking.

But how many witness our good works and don't inquire, we do not know.  How many witness our works, do not inquire now, but will later, we do not know.  Purely to just have a number to think about, we're guesstimating that 500 people (off line) will need to be helped, or witness a loved one being helped, before it leads to a baptism.  That could be low, it could easily be 1,000 needing to be aided or to learn of others being aided.

Also, it's not always so simple as numbers.  Having those rough estimates does not mean that if we let 16,000 more people online know about Jesus that we then get 1 more baptism.  It means that we might then have a potential who would be willing to be baptized, but it takes a good person to "close", so to speak.  In the case of online baptisms, a sister in a church over in the Philippines is the one who chiefly, by email and phone, aided those three into getting the lessons and getting baptized. 

Likewise, offline, it's never enough to simply show the truth to a given number of potential converts, there always must be one person to aid in the "close", and in the case of a recent offline baptism, it was a member missionary Sister who was of enormous help in encouraging the baptism, and an exemplary full time Sister Missionary.

We have discovered some things that might help:

1.  We must diligently make sure that lots of efforts are being undertook.  And broadly, to cast a wide net.  Anything to increase online and offline "reach" must be pursued.  If that sounds like we're advocating a scatter shot approach, yes, that's what we're advocating!

2.  Such efforts must be sincere and from the heart, which is why we do not require any volunteer work from the residents of the Liahona Home, though are pleased when it happens.  If someone doesn't care to help, they should not.  Help not done from the heart is ALWAYS valueless.

3.  The efforts should have as much aid as possible from church members, because it's also been noticed that a potential seeker responds to seeing a variety of people all sharing about their testimony.

4.  It's not enough to be "helped", no one likes being a project, they want friendship.  See point two!  It must be done cheerfully, and for that person's sake, even if it does not lead to baptism.  That's crucial.  One must be content to simply plant seeds, or be doing "good for goodness sake" or just helping people for their own sake. 

5.  Potential converts notice whether a person is happy in their faith or not.  One of the main things we hear is how happy the faith seems to make people, to which we always advise, "That's available for you, too!".

That's where we're at now.  That's our "How do you persuade a person to be baptized."  As we get better at it, we will certainly share more!

Memorial Service for Matt Lewis

On the 28th of July, at 6pm, at Kumler United Methodist Church, there will be a Memorial service for Matthew Lewis.

Matthew Lewis was one of our first guests, and while here he surpassed his usual three months of sobriety and maintained six months of sobriety.

While here he was always cheerful, and always willing to help others. While not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he had attended one of our Sacrament meetings, and more impressively, never failed to go with us on a multitude of service work projects. 

As in all of them. And for our Ward, that's a lot.

From tilling a large garden for a single Sister, or creating a garden for us here at the Liahona Home, from hauling trash in Taylorville to shoveling snow and later mowing lawns here, he was unfailingly there for others, and this while working a regular job. And going to AA meetings. Every day.

Matthew Lewis had many hopes and dreams as he progressed in his sobriety. He was an older man, in his late forties, but nonetheless he had a lot to offer, and was seemingly about to be offering it.

He was progressing at work, at our home, and had a growing savings account with which he was to be able to get his own place, and his own car, and take the next step in his recovery.

Regrettably, and as we all in the program know, alcohol is "cunning, baffling and powerful". Matthew Lewis succumbed to it again, and left our home. We texted him, we called him, to let him know that even then, he could return and things could be solved. He did not answer.

We called the hospitals, and the jail, daily, but to no avail. His favorite places were checked, friends of his were keeping their eyes out for him, but there was no sign of him. When a man wants to drink, he wants to drink, and there is no end of it till the end.

Sometimes that end is jail. Sometimes that is the hospital. Sadly, for Matthew it was death. He is very missed.

I have contacted such of you as I know knew him. I have asked that each of them contact any that they know who knew him. I have spoke with his sister, and each of you is welcome to attend his memorial.

Baton Waving

Sometimes I get asked for advice on non-profits, which makes sense since I have one. But there's a lot of misconceptions out there. Like recently, someone was asking me about a non-profit he had just started. Apparently he had filed to incorporate on some online quickie legal prep work site. I asked him about his FEIN, but since he was under the impression that such cost, he had not got one. He did have a website. I looked at the website.

It had a for profit site, which by selling things, would - he said - generate money for the non-profit. That's not necessarily illegal, by the way, but it takes a lot of paperwork and care to keep conflicts of interest from arising, separate incorporations at times, and no free rides on the taxes off of sales of goods on the for profit side.

Of more concern, the website had a section for donations, but for the description spoke of the funds going to aid their 1,200 member facebook group outreach. If you're wondering how a free facebook group needs financial aid of a tax free nature, yeah, I wondered too. So did my wife.

Which is why her immediate response was, "It's a scam." She's a not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Me, I am, so I am aware of the very real possibility of a member's heart being larger than his experience in various enterprises. Mostly the sincerity and integrity of such a person can get them through the perils and pitfalls of any number of situations, even when they lack any necessary experience or knowledge. Yet this was not one of those situations. Business never is.

I've been trying to explain to that very young brother that a product/service is needed before one can go about soliciting funds from the public. He suggested that it be "spreading the gospel". A laudable goal, but given that the Church does this for free, and we're commanded to, not something that really needs all the fuss of a non-profit corporation. In response to my showing why that was impractical, he suggested as a service "helping with family histories". Again, I had to be the wet blanket. Lately, I've seen he and the others at this group speaking of "music" as the outreach service I've said they need. I've shared the concern that if the music provided is free, what would anyone need these guys for?

Here's the thing. A non-profit, first and foremost, is NON-profit. Few - and I mean vanishingly few - are going to make a living at it. Folks lose track of that by seeing so many that are successful, the Susan G. Komen Foundation, the United Way, the Red Cross. I could list a dozen more. And of those who are bringing in enough money to pay salaries to directors and hire employees, there are thousands.

But there are hundreds and hundreds of thousands of non-profits! I would confidently state that the ratio of success to failure in the non-profit world is comparable to the business world. Mostly because a non-profit business still is a business. In other words, 99% are going to fail in the first year. Other foundations will be very limited foundations that rely merely disbursing some given amount of money from a will or bequest.
So people start with a big heart, and figure that hanging out an internet shingle is all it takes. Plus that Legal Beagle help site, or whatever it was. But let's back up. What's it really take?

First, a business plan. You're going to be operating a business. You need a business plan. If you don't know what's involved in a business plan, google that and do that first. If you can't handle that, you can't handle anything else. Really. And if you can't be bothered to do that, then no one should bother with you. Because you clearly are not serious.

Second, how about a good and/or service? Admittedly that really comes first, then the business plan! Something more specific than "outreach". Something not being done to death already. Remember, like any business, you're going to be competing with other non-profits. You really think anyone is going to pay you for family history work when the LDS Church will do it for free? Or deal with you for music when it's so freely available everywhere?

You need a good and/or service that you feel there is a need for, and that you are better qualified to provide than others are. For we here at the Liahona Mission, that was Sober Living Homes. True, others do it. But we compete by charging less program fees and offering more aid. And - at least for now - we are only dealing with providing services in one county. We are uniquely qualified to do that given that we have a volunteer (your humble author) to do the day to day work, which would ordinarily cost a non-profit $2,000 per month in wage and attendant costs.

Third, having made a business plan for your good/service, it's time to go over all the paperwork in advance of doing it. Yes, there's the incorporation papers, which you can file down at a State office on your own, just for the filing fees, and without the $150 to $500 that most Legal Sites will charge you to "process" it. The filing fees the State will charge are between $50 and $150. So saving upwards of $500 in processing fees is a good thing. But besides the incorporation papers, you'll see that you need three people. You and two others. And by laws.

So now you know to get the other two people you trust lined up before filing. And to have the by laws ready.

Have you read samples of by laws? Do you know how to write them to comply with IRS regulations? Not legally required, by the way, but handy for when you apply - later - for your 501(c)3 exemption. As in "you won't get the exemption unless your by laws conform". Do you know how to write the by laws so that not only are they democratic and fair, but also clever enough to keep your two other board members from voting you out? Yeah, that's a thing that can - and has - happened. But with "founder exceptionalism" (google it!) you can avoid that.

Were you aware that the IRS will give you the Federal Employer Identification Number for free, and over the phone, while you wait? Yes. With no need to have Legal R Us charge you for it. You see, the IRS wants you to have that number, it helps them keep track of you. It's like a Social Security number for businesses. You can't do anything without it.

Were you aware that the paperwork for your 501(c)3 tax exemption runs upwards of 30 pages? And takes a several hundred dollar fee to the IRS, and usually a paid CPA to fill it out properly? You're looking at near $1,000 on that one, total, so you can see why you should be serious with actual business plans and others working with you and lots of preliminary research! They're going to want things like business plans and quarterly income projections, and either an accounting of the past three years, or since you're just starting, the next three years! And thorough details on your day to day operations.

Fourth, having done all this research, now you can start to fill out paperwork. With your by laws and directors all set, file your incorporation papers, get that FEIN, open a business account with the bank (make sure you have two officers needing to sign for any withdrawals!) and then...you're still not ready.

Because for fifth, you must register with whatever state agency in your state overseas charities. There's sure to be one. In Illinois, it's the Illinois Charitable Trust Bureau. The bank, if they're on the ball, will want to see the paperwork on that before getting your account activated, though sometimes they'll do it just with the incorporation papers and FEIN. Without that registration, you are then probably illegally soliciting money from the public. That's not a good thing. Note carefully - a private individual can solicit money from the public with just his cardboard sign. But a corporation, however legal, must be registered with the state that oversees such things. And if you're not registered in a given state, you're really supposed to fill out the forms for doing business in that state as a "foreign corporation".

Also, and part of the "fifth", did you read up on "fiduciary responsibilities"? Have you had each director fill out an application, an I9, a Conflict of Interest sheet, a Mediation and Arbitration agreement and such? That'll be helpful. If appearances of propriety are of value to you. And I assure you that they'll be of value to the IRS, the charitable oversight board and any major donors. Not to mention Homeland Security. Yes, a non-profit really is a business. It must conduct itself in a legal and above board fashion.

Sixth, it will be a year and a half - on average - before getting your tax exemption, assuming you could afford to apply at once. Only after that can you apply for local property tax and sales tax exemptions. Which the locality is not required to give you. This total process can be so long and expensive that for the Liahona Mission, we haven't spent our capital on that, choosing instead to get the properties and facilities up and running.

Now, all this assumes that you actually chose a decent good/service to provide. But let me tell you what often happens, and I don't like this at all. A person with a big heart will have some kind of idea. So he wants to pay the minimal fees to do the above, get all legally incorporated, and then go online to collect money. With a website or blog or in the old days, a "newsletter" or "brochure" or "pamphlet". It is, in other words, a paper corporation, no brick and mortar to it. It's him, his pals and his computer.

He then expects others to donate to him. Why? Because then he'll take that money and give it to others, keeping a bit for his time and trouble. Or maybe taking nothing, but with the sales site, that seems doubtful. The state then is supplying the legal stuff. You, the donor, are supplying the funds. Others who don't know how to download music - all two of them - are supplying the needs. I guess in the above example the internet is supplying the free music. What's he supplying again? An "idea"? Something about "doing good"?

Yeah. I asked that. It's an important question. In some cases, not the above example, the founder may be bringing some real expertise to the table. Like maybe he's a cancer researcher who needs funds for a cure. If so, great. Or maybe he's some deep pockets original donor with all the capital, and just needs some one to hire to cure cancer. That's also great. In each case, he's bringing expertise or money to the table.

But beware those who while well intentioned are simply wishing to be the baton waving middle man, directing the efforts of the big money guy and big brain research guy. A baton waver is exactly as useful then as your congregation's hymn director. Which is to say, kind of/sort of helpful, but hardly essential. And if you were paying your hymn director, not worth it at all! No one pays a guy to wave a baton. Because no one one needs a baton waved to sing a hymn. Or to tell a rich guy who wants to cure cancer that giving to a bright doctor who knows how is helpful. Or to download free tunes online for those who want free tunes downloaded online.

Years back, when I was thinking of this non-profit, I could have done the paper foundation, and tried to raise funds to buy the shelter and tried to raise funds to purchase the repairs and tried to raise funds for hiring the caretaker. What I'd be needed for then, if everyone else was doing the paying, the buying and the caretaking, I've no clue. Yes, a talent for raising money can be a bona fide "skill", but more often, those with the heart aren't all that great on the fund raising. And even if they are, some actual work should be done at some point. One who genuinely has a fund raising talent should work for the one who has a talent for actually doing something!

Fund raising, advertising, marketing, paperwork, it can all be such a flurry that it is forgot that something should be being done that all those things are for! They sure aren't ends in themselves! They're means only! Important means, but means all the same! The guy I'm trying to save from himself is busy going on about having a "newsletter". About what, I've no clue. He's no real product and not even a business plan yet!

In the case of our non-profit, we decided to be a brick and mortar one first. We swore that we'd be up and running and have something to donate "to", first. And we have. All the above steps, purchased properties, renovated homes, labor lined up, it's all in place, and operating right now. It was operating before our first website. Then, and only then, with four guys sitting in the Sober Living home being helped did we then for the first time start worrying about paypal and donations and blogs and facebook.

Years after we started.

Not that we didn't have any help before, donations in service, in goods and such. But cash-wise, a non-profit in most cases is funded by those most directly involved, those who most directly care. The Directors themselves. Their family and friends. Yeah, mostly themselves. And really, why would it be any other way? You have an idea. If you believe in it, you put your own blood, sweat, tears - and your cold hard cash - where your big heart is! You're expecting others to, so lead the way. Show the level of your own belief in it first! Remember 1 Corinthians 14:8 - "For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle?"

Who indeed? If the person asking cares not to pour himself into it, then people will not pour so much as a penny of their's into it! Look, many foundations are started by the mega-rich who can afford for it to all spring into existence at once. But for everyone else, it really takes long and hard years where you're doing nothing but work on the venture to get it going. You're doing it out of pocket, it's just that your pocket is much smaller than the pocket of Bill Gates.

I could not even begin to get across what it was like getting the first condemned house bought and repaired. 10 hour days, only Top Ramen to eat, every cent going into those repairs and fees and paperwork. Living in the condemned house I was fixing because if I rented a place, that would be $400 less a month in repairs. But 9 years ago I was homeless myself. Now, a recovered alcoholic, I'm caretaking for that house, repairing another house, and aiding four people who'd otherwise be homeless. But it's not a free ride - it's work, and lots of it. Having no boss doesn't mean you aren't working, it means you discover what a mean boss you are!

A non-profit of the sort I started and that I and my wife have built up, by the way, is not even needed for most things. If one simply wishes to "spread the gospel" or "help with family history" or "share Christian themed music", then really, why bother incorporating at all? Doing those things is free, you can obviously volunteer within the context of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or any other church at all, or even just do that alone! Not everything needs a corporate structure! There's never any law against just rolling up your sleeves and pitching in!

Non-profits are for those who wish a lot more than just doing good themselves. It's a means of administering a large amount of funds over time for pubic purposes. Maybe funds that just came into being as a result of a person's death, or a rich person wishing to start being a philanthropist. Or it could be a means of making sure that a collection of such funds for a sustained effort over time purely for the public good will not be taxed away during the collection and disbursement. It allows many other people to join in, and to receive some tax breaks, for aiding in that endeavor. It is not, with only some despised exceptions, a means of generating any kind of real income for the individuals involved. In fact, many non-profits - such as the Liahona Mission - bar salaries or wages for their Directors and rely only on volunteer effort.

Not that there aren't some non-profits where it's legitimate to use some paid employees for some facets of the work, and not that our non-profit won't hire contractors for specific one shot tasks, but that should always be looked at carefully. And particularly in the realm of "admin" costs, those should never be greater than 10% of the expenditures. And we believe it should be zero percent. Ours are. If it's not volunteered, it's not happening. And as it's our non-profit, we do the paperwork ourselves. Learning how meant not having to pay a clerical staff.

For those reasons, non-profits, are usually something that only the well-off can afford, as nothing I say can emphasize enough now "non-profit" most non-profits are! True, if you really capture the public's imagination, then one day - years after you're dead, most likely - your non-profit may be large and international and dealing with billions of dollars. Even in your lifetime, if you benefit from some net-fad like the Ice Bucket Challenge that could happen. I say this with the same straight face that I would use for telling a man in his twenties that, "Yes, your rib recipe is great, and one day the restaurant you're dreaming of could be a world-wide chain like McDonalds." In both cases I'm speaking the truth, but it's really rare. Really, really rare!

Mostly, were you to have one successful restaurant, locally, and it stay in business for your life time, you should count that as a wild success! And it would be! Likewise, many non-profits will last the life time of their founder, and not so much past that. Rich people with rich friends may grow such foundations into rich foundations, but modest folks with modest friends should be content with modest foundations.

So I guess before any of those half a dozen things to do listed above, an assessment of whether you even need to be a non-profit is helpful. If you aren't buying a structure, if you're truly just going to be a baton waving middle man, I'd say not bother. It's a lot of time and effort and money for what may not be necessary. And if it's preaching the word, or sharing songs, it is definitively not necessary!

Are we necessary? The Liahona Mission? Are we "necessary" as a non-profit? Yes. Definitely. Our good and service - a temporary shelter and program for alcoholics and addicts - is definitely necessary, there are others doing it in this locality, but not as cheaply, nor providing as much, and there are no other LDS themed sober living homes in the area. We've definitely found our niche. And it is a sustained effort over time that will be attracting others who wish to participate. And it needs to be corporate owned and not individually owned for the usual reasons of liability and continuity and growth.

And while we don't see it being world-girdling, we have reasonable hope of some growth in our life time and that with the appropriately chose board come some distant day that it will outlast the death of it's founders. It's not like poverty, alcoholism and/or addiction is going out of style any time soon. Sad to say.

Still up for your own non-profit? Then go start on the business plan! Not up for a business plan first? Then nevermind playing at having a non-profit.

You might be an alcoholic if...

When you're in the business of running a sober living home, as we at the Liahona Home are, then you will regularly run into people who are asking, for themselves or another, "How do I know if I/he/she is an alcoholic?"

The answer? 

In general, if the question is even asked, then the answer is "Yes".  People who drink normally, responsibly and without any issues do not ask that question of themselves, nor do they have others ask it about them.  Only those who are already struggling will first have it asked by others, then eventually get around to asking it about themselves.

Of course, there are also generally accepted signs.  Things that can be warning signs.  For me, it was waking up in the County Jail with a hangover.  Nothing says "problem with alcohol" like a bail hearing for assault on a police officer.  In the case of others, it's usually a DUI.  Or their second one.  Or their third.  In the case of still others, it's problems at work, as in "being fired from". 

In general, if you've had legal problems, family problems or work problems, and at least one person has told you it was due to alcohol, you should regard yourself as an alcoholic.  Most alcoholics, and addicts, have had most all types of signs and problems before admitting they need help.  It's easier for them to be in denial, this lets them continue on with the addiction, and so they excuse each individual thing as it comes up. 

It wasn't alcohol that was why they lost their marriage, it was just that she nagged too much.  It wasn't alcohol to blame for their job loss, just that idiot boss who had it in for them.  It wasn't alcohol to blame for their run in with the law, it was some power tripping policeman.  Forgot is that yes, sometimes wives do nag, bosses really are idiots and police power trip with distressing frequency, but the point is that such happens to almost everyone, but only the alcoholic/addict then handles it so poorly as to end up divorced, fired and/or incarcerated.

Now that you know this, you'll be even more frustrated with the alcoholic or addict you know, as when you tell him or her this, they won't listen.  Because you see, ultimately, no matter how obvious it is to everyone else, no matter how many signs there are, no matter if they're on trial for running over a child and their ex-wife and former boss and their own mom are all testifying against them, they will still say, with a straight face and a wounded tone, that they are NOT an alcoholic, they're just being ganged up on.  Or the breathalyzer was broke!  Or that child darted out into the street out of nowhere!  The sun was in their eyes!  Obama!

You've heard the corny phrases about "denial", from "denial is the first sign" to "denials not just a river in Egypt", but the truth is, alcoholics and addicts have denial raised to a level so high that phrases like "to an art form" or "to a science" still don't give it justice.  I could have my wife smell gin on my breath, and find my half drank bottle of it in my desk drawer, and still insist loudly that it was from back before I stopped drinking and that the smell was really Nyquil. 

And really, this is a phenomena of any type of addict.  Even the more esoteric types of addicts, like gamblers.  I've heard, and from the same gambler, the phrase, "I'm on a winning streak, I can't stop now!" and then on another day, "Yeah, I've been losing, so I can't stop now, for my luck is bound to be changing!"  Ponder that for a moment.  If winning means he should keep gambling, and losing means he should keep gambling, then when would ever be the time to not gamble?

This applies, obviously, to the alcoholic and/or addict.  If they're sad, they need a little pick me up, and if they're happy they need to celebrate.  There's always a reason, however small, to drink or drug, and never any reason, however great, not to. 

What should you do if you know someone like this?  There is more than one school of thought on this, from those who want you to stand by them and those who wish you to withdraw from them.  Those who think that standing by them is "enabling" and others who think that withdrawing from them is "abandoning".  Truth is, such things are often case by case, and sometimes a matter of timing.  Usually, in fact inevitably, a point will be reached where a withdrawing is appropriate, mostly for the person attempting to aid them being tired, worn out, and burnt out on trying to help them over and over only to have their hopes (and often their finances) smashed again and again.

What should you do if you know it about yourself?  Quit dorking around and get to a meeting is the easy answer.  But all experience shows that you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired before that will happen.  Or had to have "hit bottom" as some put it.  Just like inevitably your family and friends will get tired of it and withdraw eventually, so will you - if you avoid death - get tired eventually and withdraw from your denial.

Usually it starts with a faked or pretended admission of addiction/alcoholism.  Something bad will have happened and you'll know you're really in for it this time, and so having exhausted all other excuses, reasons, stories and lies, you'll seize upon admitting you're a drunk and/or druggie.  You'll think that you're not, that you're really just getting out of a scrape by pretending for some fast sympathy and some leeway.  And regrettably, that may even get you out of the latest trouble.

But after the first time you do this - or the tenth - there'll be a point where others won't care any more, and finally (again, if you don't die first) where you'll stop kidding yourself and finally get that, "Hey, I'm not fooling others by pretending to be an alcoholic, I'm fooling myself by pretending that I'm not."

Only then, at the end of what is usually a long and sad road, are you then barely able to take the first step of the Twelve Steps and admit you're powerlessness over alcohol. 

Now you would think that no one ever has to wait till they hit rock bottom.  That if they were any where near as cool and strong and good as they love to think they are, they could, when the first whisper of the first person was heard, jump into a meeting and forswear alcohol and/or drugs.  They could, upon the first arrest, the first divorce, the first job loss, end their nonsense, and make a concerted effort to never drink or drug again.  That you see some do just that tricks many into thinking that's a real thing.

Sadly, for the real alcoholic/addict, that's not much of an option.  Anyone who manages to grab control of the problem when it first starts and never relapses was probably just a normal person who was being silly, as opposed to actually having whatever gene is in us that causes addiction to drugs or alcohol or gambling. 

For those who do try in the early stages, but then fail, they at least now know for sure that they have a serious problem that definitely needed attention.  For of anything that can convince a person that they have bona fide problem, the attempt to quit - and the accompanying failure to quit - is one of the surest signs.

To sum up, a person is probably an alcoholic/addict if the question is raised by themselves or those who know them.  A person is probably an alcoholic/addict if they get in any form of trouble due to alcohol/drugs.  A person is probably an alcoholic/addict if they had early attempts to stop that failed.  And a person will usually do nothing about it of substance till they've lost everything.

Ultimately then, whether you are staying near an addict or withdrawing, much of what you can do involves waiting, because only when they are willing to put in the effort to seek out and work on their sobriety can your help do much good.  It is always then better not to let them drag you down financially, but to wait for them to hit bottom then be there to give aid and advice.  Until they've hit bottom, they are unlikely to listen to your advice in any real fashion beyond nodding and saying "thanks" before going out to drink and drug again.

How do you get a fresh start?

There are many reasons for starting a Sober Living Home, but I think that the words "A Fresh Start" sums it up well.  We cater to people who having realized that they had hit rock bottom now need someone to take a chance on them and offer them what they need.

Not a "second chance" - they've had that.  And then some.  Not even a 100th chance.  Each alcoholic and/or addict has usually had that 100th chance, too.  No, it would be difficult for us to assign a number, so instead we go with the concept - "A Fresh Start".

Fresh starts are very important.  It can seem kind of hopeless if ever a man starts to feel that such are impossible.

And a lot is arrayed against the alcoholic/addict who wants that fresh start.  That "lot" boils down to "a lot of very healthy skepticism".  Family is not up for helping him - they've helped him too many times in the past.  Friends?  If he's at or near bottom, then he has pushed away any good friends long ago.

Future landlord?  Future employer?  Future car salesman or bank loan officer?  They see his work history, including the gaps due to job loss.  They see the lousy credit, indicative of a life lived inappropriately.  They even see the criminal record, large or small, be it a DUI or three, or the pattern of offenses that come from cataclysmically poor choices made while under continual influence of booze and drugs.

Or as large as domestic abuse or felony assaults.  Maybe only days in jail.  Or maybe years in prison.

As far as most are concerned, those men don't deserve a fresh start.  And they're not in the business of giving out fresh starts anyway!

So how does one get a fresh start?  By getting a chance to look for work while not starving - nor being stuck in a 50 man shelter.  By getting a chance to save some money for first month's rent, last month's rent and deposit for such landlord as will grudgingly take a chance on you later.  By getting a chance to have a stable environment where poor credit and a bad record won't bar you.

And that's what the Liahona Mission offers to each man we can accept.  A place where - while continuing to maintain and build upon their sobriety - they can start with a small part time job and work to build that to an opportunity for a full time one later.  A place where they can save money for an apartment, trailer or house later.  A place where the environment is nice - but they don't have to have lived a life of a choir boy to have it.  A place where they can leave the street or shelter and start on that long road to recovery and societal acceptance.

Is that the whole of a fresh start?  No.  More of a start upon a fresh start.  You see, while we can be a little island, society as a whole will still - justifiably - view the alcoholic/addict with some skepticism.  And as I've told each one of them, the only thing that ultimately buys a man a fresh start is time.  Repentance and effort, yes, but time all the same.

There's not a one of them that does not have "effort".  I've never met an alcoholic or addict yet - including myself - that doesn't have massive "effort" on demand and freely available.  We are the Kings of Effort, and can turn on a meteoric blaze of effort such as will light the night sky and dazzle any watcher!

And typically, if we have not yet truly reformed, that effort burns out just as fast as that falling star, leaving the watcher as much back in darkness as before, and even more disappointed, for they see the glory that the alcoholic could have made with his life, but inexplicably chooses not to.

So effort is never enough.  We've had men with effort here before.  I imagine we always will have men with effort here.  Alcoholics and addicts go through a period where they love collecting the praises of men for how brave they are for giving up that which no one else had a problem with!  They use that for their "fix" until they tire of it, and relapse and start up again.

It's truly repenting of drugs and alcohol that counts, the learning that those things are wrong, as has been their behavior while taking those things.  It's honestly accepting that "higher power" spoken of in AA meetings that many of us know to be Christ.  And in the eyes of both Christ and your fellow man, it's the "time" that matters, or as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints refers to it, "enduring to the end".

Do you really have to "endure to the end" for the fullness of the "fresh start"?  Well, perhaps not quite so long, but it is a process all the same.  People typically want to see more than a few days, more than a few weeks, more even than a few months.  People who've been around the block a bit more would even be skeptical till they've seen a few years of effort from the alcoholic/addict.



Yes, repentance exists, and fresh starts can be had, and certainly our Savior may know your heart at once, but let no alcoholic or addict ever assume that the praise of men will come easy, or in some short period of time.  Or medium period of time.  Or perhaps even a long period, as we who have embraced hedonism and dissipation often reckon as "long".

Truth is, if any are shooting for some distant day where they'll find the praise of men, they are going to fail.  It's not about that.  The very act of even trying for those reasons - of praise and admiration - would doom one from the start.  There comes a time in each alcoholic/addicts recovery when after the one month, six month and one year coins, he has to realize that he's being rewarded for what 90% of mankind just calls a "Tuesday". 

One must choose the right, not for a reward - though rewards will come - but for it being the right thing to choose.  One must strive to be as good as they can be, not for the praise of men, though perhaps such will come, but for it being what you need to do just to catch up with the bulk of humanity!  And to follow in the footsteps of Christ!  For without Christ, without that acknowledging of that "higher power", the fresh start is just another dead end.

It's a long path, and one that properly regarded, never ends.  Mainly for after awhile, if one is truly and sincerely repentant, and truly wishes that "fresh start", they re-orient and no longer need it to be about them.  A man knows his "fresh start" may have succeeded not when he hears praise from others, but when he is happy and secure in his relationship with Christ and himself.

What can others do?  To aid those afflicted with alcoholism and/or addiction?  Well, aiding such Sober Living Homes, be it this one or others, is helpful.  Past that, one should advocate strongly for the afflicted having a Church family.  And to continue with AA/NA meetings.  Besides that?

I would recommend that if you've never known an alcoholic/addict as anything but clean and sober, that you leave their past in their past.  There'll be time enough for judging them more harshly if they relapse.  But I've known men still getting beat up - and beating themselves up - for sins of five years ago, ten years ago, even twenty years ago.  And they've been sober and striving to make amends the whole time.

If you know of such, and I assure you that they - that is, "we" - do exist, then take them as they are now, repentant and enduring to the end with everyone else.  You need not go out of your way to aid them in their hard won "fresh start" if you do not care to, but at the least do not do anything to stumble them from it.