TMI

In the main, the program as outline in Alcoholics Anonymous is the best program that we have for battling Alcoholism, and in fact, all other addictions as well.  And it is the one we insist on the Liahona Home.

Yet there is an issue that I have always took some exception with, and was grateful to learn that others before me have, too, and especially that one "other" was a quite high authority.

What I refer to is the practice, of when a person has been free of alcohol for a long period, then slips, to instantly run to a meeting and let all those there know - be they long in their sobriety or just starting - that he slipped.

I've sat in those meetings, as a still struggling alcoholic, and frankly, those confessions distressed me.  I'd be looking up to such people with their year of sobriety, or their two years, or their 10 years or 20.  It would be giving me some small hope of achieving such a feat myself.

Then on an evening like any other, they'd come in and cryingly confess to having slipped.  The slip would - in most of the cases I ever heard - be small and unlikely to be repeated, but they would confess it nonetheless.  Then they'd return to their sobriety, apparently feeling better for having shared, and the burden they no longer were carrying would be carried by us.

Or from my perspective - by me!

Some are no doubt saying that this is the point of AA.  That we can share our personal remorse and doubts and weaknesses and then the whole group in some fashion carry that which was too heavy for us.

And in some aspects of it, in some things, and in the main, that is good and fair enough.  But on the matter of a long term sober man or woman coming in to confess, I think it does more harm then good, and more harm to the person confessing as well as to I and others who must hear it.

First, it does harm me, as it filled me with a sense of hopelessness that even if I could abstain for 10 or 20 years, that I might slip and fall as they did, and have all my Sobriety and Coins and such come crashing to the floor!  To be back again and reset to zero and no further along then when I first realized I had a problem!

Second, it harms the person confessing.  This is more controversial for me to say, but I believe this.  I believe that sometimes some things in our lives are not "real" until we've told them to another.  Thus the couple talking about divorce may talk and talk about for years, with no concrete harm to their relationship done, but the moment one shares it with a friend, it becomes "real" and the actual divorce is quick to follow.

Why?  Because before either told another, they feared what the reactions would be.  Maybe their friends would shun them!  Maybe no one would like them any more!  Maybe everyone would side with the other spouse! 

But when they share with their first friend they at once find out that they were not struck by lightening or otherwise killed or attacked, and that the friend is in the main sympathetic and still loves them and will not be shunning them, and in fact, will probably see more of them!

This lets them know that if they were to divorce - or whatever bad thing they had been contemplating - that they will not be harmed or made to live alone forever!   And thus - seemingly paradoxically - they are now more inclined to do whatever that hidden behavior was, then before, when it was still hidden!

I feel - and I feel it drawing upon my own experience in battling alcohol - that this applies to alcohol and drugs and other battles against addiction.

At the start, when you are first making a go of it, then yes, I believe that full and frank confessions in AA meetings are appropriate, good and needful.  Especially as in coming out of the active stage of alcoholism you've likely been harming a great many people with it, and confession of harm to others is always appropriate, no matter what.

You also only have days or months in, and no one is looking up to you as any kind of long term role model.  Your confession of back-sliding is not going to cause despair in any one, even the guy who is struggling towards his 24 hour coin.

But when you have a year plus in, and on some random day or night you have a slip, then a self-assessment is needed - and strongly encouraged by me - before you make any grand declaration at the next AA meeting.

The most crucial thing is this - was it "just" that one time slip?  Are you realizing now, at this moment, how stupid that was, and how you feel no desire to re-commit that offense against yourself? 

If so, then say nothing to others, and go one as if you have your year plus, and do not bother or stumble others by making them think that a year plus is impossible - and do not stumble yourself by making real that which is not yet fully real!

Because you know how others will see you if you confess that you slipped.  They'll see you as weak and worthless and without hope.  That their confidence in you was misplaced and that they should never trust you again.  That you are now to be shunned and be outside the pale of all acceptable company ever!

Of course, even reading this, you kind of know that it would not truly be as bad as all that - yet no alcoholic can ever quite be sure if it might not be, and certainly in some cases for some it might well be just as bad as all that, if not more!  We each have burnt bridges, people do reach a breaking point, the next time could be the time where you'd be shunned!

So, either way, are you going to risk sharing it with another and making it "real"?  Of learning that you might be able to get away with it and still have friends and support?  Is not the fear of being ostracized - a fear again, that might be real - one worth keeping, as it tends to aid you in keeping sober?

Do you really wish to learn differently?  And thus learn that you could - possibly - keep drinking?

I emphasize again, to confess may well get one shunned, so do not think that it is automatic that if you did confess, all would be okay and you could keep drinking.  That is not the point.  What I mean is that you might confess, be shunned by the decent people who are finally fed up with your repeated back-slidings, but then you realize that you might be able to live with that, and thus continue to run to the bottle.

If you have then any regard or respect for those around you, and for their opinion of you, then please, let yourself keep that if it aids you in not drinking again, and do not throw that aid away out of some misguided sense of "honesty".

Am I then counseling dishonesty?  No.  Only that not everything needs to be shared with your fellow man.

By confessing then only to God, and re-committing to sobriety privately, you are preserving one of the tools you have in maintaining your sobriety - the good regard of other men.  If that is a value to you, and aids you in sobriety, then do NOT throw it away.  But DO confess to God, repent and renew your commitment to carry on, wiser and better prepared.

Understand, obviously if then you have "just" another slip and "just" another several times, this advice is NOT to be took.  Clearly then, after several times in some kind of short period, you have a larger problem than some random slip or unique moment of weakness.

In those cases, you should confess to others, especially as with each "just one slip" you are more and more likely to have injured another some how, or at least put them at risk with bad behaviors such as drunk driving or neglecting your job or family responsibilities.

But if it is that one time slip, and you feel sure, then try to simply re-commit and carry on.  If nothing happens for a month, still then carry on.  And if nothing happens for a year, then you'll see that it was wise to have remained silent and not made a large thing - that could stumble you and others - out of a small thing that you did at least repent of.

Oh, but who was that "high authority" I was mentioning at the beginning of this article? 

A man rather important to me, given my faith, his name was Brigham Young.  A Prophet in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that I am a member of.

In his Journal of Discourses, Volume 8, he had this to say:

"I have my weakness, and you have yours; but if I am inclined to do that which is wrong, I will not make my wrong a means of leading others astray...

...I believe in coming out and being plain and honest with that which should be made public, and in keeping to yourselves that which should be kept. If you have your weaknesses, keep them hid from your brethren as much as you can. You never hear me ask the people to tell their follies. But when we ask the brethren, as we frequently do, to speak in sacrament meetings, we wish them, if they have injured their neighbors, to confess their wrongs; but do not tell about your nonsensical conduct that nobody knows of but yourselves. Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take that person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God, and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it."

The insight of this man astonished me when a kindly brother in my Church brought it to my attention, I felt it really resonated with me. 

I have seen some in AA get stumbled by first admitting a one time slip after a year or so, but then when the heavens do not fall upon them, and they realize that it's such a long road back to that year coin or two year coin - why all the incentive then is for them to drink again!

They see no real punishment on one hand, and all the rewards that were holding them steady gone - or pushed far in the future - on the other hand! 

I have also seen - no, experienced - the opposite.  My own wife knows the truth of this.  I have not slipped in many years, but it was not always so for me.  I had my year plus, and then a night of foolishness.  I knew then, instinctively, that if this were to be made a big deal, that all would be lost, or at least put at real risk.

I told that to my wife, and she "got it".  With the reservations as to whether it would turn out to be one slip or many.  But it was just one slip.  I shudder to think of how it could have played out if she had made a big deal out of it.  Or if I had gone in to a meeting and made a big deal of it. 

I have heard of this from others.  After a year plus, a slip.  And then sometimes, after another couple of years, another slip, though more minor.  And then sobriety without interruption.  What are the limits, what are the parameters, how many slips is too many?

Oh, if it is more than that slip in a year, or at least more than a slip in a month after having had a year of sobriety, you should go to a meeting and confess.  That is what that specific meeting is for.  But if you believe you can re-commit, and if in doing, you do not then slip, then the wisdom of having waited before confessing will make itself apparent. 

And after all, if you did repent privately, and did not re-offend, then after awhile, you won't really have anything to confess.  It will have paid off.  If by chance you fail, the meeting is always there, and you can confess soon enough then, but try to simply let one slip be one slip first.

There'll be time enough for big, tearful, sobriety-destroying, morale sinking confessions later if need be!  Just always try to get back on the horse first, and only if that proves impossible or you're thrown too often tell others!