The Goal is Success

One of the interesting things about running a sober living home is that the guests are often times harder on each other than I'd be inclined to be.  But then, I've also heard from a board member that I'm too easy.

And yet I won't be changing.  A relapse can, but will not always, result in being asked to leave.  That it can result in being asked to leave, and that it does happen at times means that no one is banking on mercy.  But I won't tie my hands - or impede the possibility of another person's reform - by imposing "mandatory" penalties. 

It must always be case by case.  And in 22 cases of aiding a person, 3 have "graduated" appropriately to a job and a place to stay.  And three are still here.  And 16 have been expelled or left voluntarily after a relapse.  And for those not familiar with sober living home statistics, that's not too shabby.

Lately two guests relapsed.  One of the others got them to sign an amusingly titled contract called "Last Chance, Boys, Sober Contract".  I reviewed it.  As is usual, the "penalties" were daily AA meetings and having to go on whatever service work and church activities I'm going to.  With the penalty for not doing that being to leave. 

This has also been the most often voted for penalty at house meetings.  To have to go with me all day each day for a time.  It seems quite effective.  Apparently my life is regarded as a "punishment", which often tickles me, and other times makes me wonder!

But what of the concept of punishment?  Well, my take on it is that "punishment" is never really appropriate.  That the goal is not to punish, but to aid in their recovery.  If a "punishment" would truly do that, I'd get it, but as it is, I'm more inclined to simply go with them to more AA meetings, and have them help in some service work.  If that's regarded as punishment, so be it, but that's not the real purpose of meetings and service work. 

Punishment just for a person to feel bad is stupid.  Or so I see it.  Besides, the goal really is success, and do you have any idea how sensitive alcoholics and addicts are to "outside factors"?  I do.  I - and others like me - am always up for finding a reason why it's okay to relapse because we were "made" to. 

This person cut me off on the road.  A spouse nagged me.  My boss was mean.  The sun was in my eyes.  Addictions are wily things, we say of alcohol that it is "cunning, baffling, powerful".  In this you see that we actually ascribe sentience to the addiction, and if you ever heard the little rationalizing voice in your head explaining why one drink wouldn't be much of an issue, or how an evening of debauchery could be okay, then you'd realize that addictions kind of are sentient!

At least, addictions may as well be treated that way, as they act it well enough. 

For that reason, it's best to try and remove as many possible excuses as you can for a person to relapse.  I can't do much about the sun being in a person's eyes, but I can provide a place where there are no nagging spouses/gfs, no mean boss to worry too much about as the living expenses are all provided for only $150 a month, and no real problems or issues of note, as everything - including internet - is provided.  The house is safe, and can be paid for at a rate of $5 per day.  That's as little "worry" as anyone in this nation is ever going to have.

And most of all, no being all harsh and authoritarian.  I've seen people relapse due to strutting little safe house sultans or dormitory dictators who think that they're all that from having six months more sobriety than those they seek to lord it over, or having been off the street three months longer than the next guy. 

These bad people will talk a good talk about how they can't let the addict get over on them, or that discipline must be maintained, but when their actions are causing people to have to leave that didn't need to, or causing people to stay relapsed who might have got right back on the wagon, then the problem is them.  Not the addict.  A verse in Doctrine and Covenants sums it up well.  In D&C 121:39 we read, "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion."

Amen.

Oh, I know, I've heard it - that addicts are themselves liars and bull puckey artists and con men.  Of course they are.  I know this.  I've been this.  I get it.  But what some don't get is that the goal - forever and always - is for those very people to succeed.  To listen to some house managers or program supervisors, you'd think the goal was simply a quiet house with a steady revenue stream.  But while that is a good goal, it's not the only goal, and certainly should not be the main goal.

What's the main goal?  C'mon, really?  It's for the addict to succeed!  The goal is for the person to be successfully helped, not punished.  True, it can look like, and actually to some extent be, a bit like spoiling a person.  I've took it on the chin a few times, usually on program fees.  So the program fee is late coming in.  Or not the full amount.  Or someone will be 10 minutes past curfew.  Or there'll be dishes left in the sink.  Or I'll find a used ashtray in the house.  And etc.  It's a balance.  It's case by case. 

It's not always abundant mercy, sometimes there's been enough past mercy that it can be said, "Hey, c'mon, you've been worked with - help us out here.  Help yourself out."  And most of them, even if they are not then going to change, at least get that.  We've had virtually zero problems in asking a person to leave, as in all cases they thoroughly get that they've been worked with fairly and with an abundance of chances.  When I tell someone it's time to leave, it's never random, never capricious, and never unexpected.  

It's the "stern houses" that always have to have police over to eject a person.  We've never had that, thank heavens.  Almost, one time, but he relapsed back to smoking meth, and with that, all bets are always off.  And there's never any "mercy" for a person who gets crazy or dangerous to others in the house.  That's the fastest and surest way to be asked to leave.  We had an otherwise sober guy expelled at once when he threatened someone.  But so long as they are only hurting themselves, but not a threat to others, then if they can be worked with, they will be.

The Liahona Mission is getting ready to expand.  Soon up to 8 people will be able to be aided, instead of 4.  And perhaps on another distant day, even more.  But however many are ever aided, it will always be case by case, and will always be with the goal of them succeeding. 

Another Day at a Sober Living Home

Yesterday, my day didn't start out too fun. Mentioning at a 7am AA meeting that my sober living home had some beds available caused two overly pious AA members to get all strident about me "advertising". That I was "selling" stuff at a "sacred" AA meeting. Yes, he actually used the word "sacred"! I was more annoyed about the implied insult in the word "selling", though.

Then, a guest of our sober living home was released from jail, but instead of coming back here or calling, just disappeared. He won't answer my texts, calls or facebook messages. I can only pray he is okay. Last time we had a guy disappear like that...well, it's never good.

But then had some good news - on that same day, a woman addicted to heroin, and actively using it, finally let me take her to a detox in Decatur! It would take a long time to try to explain what a difficult chore it is to persuade someone to clean up from heroin, especially when they have before and know what it will mean!

Or the relationships that need to be built among dozens of men and women before just one of them will take you up on your offers. Think of door knocking as a missionary or door to door sales - like that, but you want them to feel the pain of withdrawal instead of hearing about Jesus or buying a vacuum cleaner!

You have to know people, a lot of them, who might need it. They must know you, and know that you're not going to rat them out or get them violated with their PO. They'll usually call a few times to ask for a ride, and it will fall through, but they are just really seeing if you really would.

And you never know who will call. The guy with the booze problem? The woman on heroin - the other woman on heroin? What about that guy who pretended that the glass pipe on his coffee table wasn't a crack pipe? Or his buddy who wonders why I keep bothering (and doesn't realize that it's him I'm hoping to help)? Other weeks and months, other people, but this time, it was a woman on heroin.

I got her there. Such drives are a chore in that you don't want to stop between pick up point and drop off point, but they will always have a million reasons for why a stop is needed. Pick up clothes, pick up this, say good bye to such and so, etc. They may not specifically be intending to jump out and run away, but addicts - like cats - enjoy keeping their options open!

During this, since we were still in town, I had to be emotionally prepared to be left hanging. That's when someone will claim to want to go to detox, then you drive them all around Springfield, and then they ditch you. They just needed a taxi. It happens.

Later she was surprised that each time she asked for something, a soda, a candy bar, a cigarette, that I already had it. I've done this before, though, and they all want these things before checking in. To fail to have any of these things will get them to insist on going to the store for them - with more opportunities for changing their minds.

I had a little bottle of brandy available, too. For the just in case. Most alcoholics like a nip or three before detoxing, and about half of drug users do, too. She did not. And she only wanted half the Snickers, so I came out ahead half a Snickers already! (I love Snickers!)

(Note, they won't much care which chocolate bar, so get them Snickers which at least has some protein in it and is "most known". An oddball selection might get them to request something else.)

She said outside the place, smoking a last cigarette, "You didn't think I was going to come, did you?" And I - still not sure, as she was not yet in doors and checked in - said, "I figured there was a 75% chance you just wanted a ride to Decatur."

She asked, "Why'd you do it then?", and I said, "Because that meant there was a 25% chance you were going to clean up for real!"

She went in. And I made sure she got to the floor she needed for the check in by the simple expedient of carrying her bags. Always help carry their bags, guy or girl. Otherwise when you escort them up they will get mad that you "just don't trust them" and try to use that as an excuse to turn around. 99% of getting an addict to detox is having learned - by sad experience - all the excuses that will pop up to derail it.

I waited till the nurse arrived, giving the old pep talk while waiting. Which is mostly just letting them know that you'll be there when they get out. Recovery being very lonely, as you lose all your addict "friends" along with your addiction. And I got to hold her cell phone for her, so there won't be any temptation to call anyone she shouldn't. A certain "boyfriend/dealer" of hers only having called her phone, and mine, about half a dozen times just on the trip down.

Now it's waiting time. If the detox works, then it'll be time for a rehab program. If that works, then time for a sober living home. And if that works - then success!

But I'll take the first steps I can get in the meanwhile!

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Okay, so I wrote the above this morning, but had not the time to post it and share it everywhere. So I went to school. Since then, things have changed. The good news is that we found our lost sheep, he got transferred from one jail to another, in a county several counties over. But they have him, and there's a hearing tomorrow, so hopefully he'll be released, and I've left a message that he can call me for a ride. So that's good!

And the woman in detox left. Sadly, she wasn't ready yet after all. She had plenty of "good reasons", but talking to her nurse I got the real deal. I did not give her a ride back, but I imagine she'll find one soon enough. From her dealer, if no one else. They're "helpful" like that.

Just another up and down and up and down 24 hours in Sober Living Home Land!