My Weakness

When I enter into the left door of County Market, I always turn right.  Because the alcohol is on the left, and so there's no good reason to go that way.

But sometimes while I'm shopping, I must go over to the aspirin or dollar spice section, and that's very near the alcohol section.  Then I ponder.  Not too seriously.  But it flickers through my mind. 

"Just" one.  Not even the hard stuff, maybe "just" a bottle of wine.  Or "better", a can of beer, they sell them in singles.  Can't get too drunk off "just" one little old beer, can you?  Heck, back in the day...!

Mostly the fleeting thought is all there is.  Other times, I'm ashamed to say, I do go into that section.  I go to the part where the beer is, out of view of any casual shoppers, so none can see me where I shouldn't be.

I stand in front of the cooler looking at the beer.  Pondering a bit harder.  Wrestling with myself and my alcoholism.  My weakness tells me I'm "just" looking.  But my weakness always lies to me.

For those times, and that probably only takes place three or four times a year, I just stand there.  And listen to the voice that says that one wouldn't hurt.  And I have to strenuously remind myself that one always hurts, and leads to more.  And I argue with my weakness for awhile.  While standing at the cooler door.

I have to do what they advise in AA.  Play the tape all the way through.  The alcoholic tends to focus on the first part of the tape, the immediate relief of drinking, and it's a good part, let me tell you!  Well worth slipping for....IF that was all there was to the tape.  And if that was all there was to the tape, I'd never stop slipping.

But the second part of the tape is when you wake up the next day with a migraine, a stomach ache and some memories.  Including the memory of how it wasn't "just" one.  It was one, and then you went back and got more - including hard stuff.  Ask me how I know.  And then all the foolishness that drinking leads to.  And how that makes it harder to refuse the next time.

One IS too many, because then if you have the one, another 1,000 will NOT be enough.

I play all that through my head, standing in front of the beer cooler.  I play the tape all the way through.  Then I remind myself of the good things I have, and the good people I know.  I ask myself how I'd feel if Sister Such and Such or Brother So and So caught me.  That helps sometimes, too, though other times my weakness suggests to me the sly fact that they'd have to admit they were back there!

One time, last year, I even touched the door handle of the cooler.  Not to get a beer - just to see how it felt, like if maybe it felt okay, I might open it.  And then maybe go a bit further?  Perhaps holding it in my hand would let me decide better?

No.  I let go of the handle that time, and the other times I never got to that point.  I argue myself out of it, with Church teachings and the love of the people in Church being of great aid.  I know they'd be sad if I drank.  And that would make me sad.  And there's pride.  I don't want to be just another convert who couldn't "endure to the end".


Other times I trick my weakness into letting me go, by suggesting that on another day it might be okay, but today I have to do a service project, and those I aid would smell it on my breath.  Or that I have to go out with the missionaries, and they'd smell it on my breath.  Or that I have to go home teach and they'd smell it on my breath.  And people wonder why I hunt down so many opportunities for Church work!  I dread the day that has no people I care for to be with.  I cannot have such a day.

So then.  While I escape each time, that's still what happens, here and there, now and then, three or four times a year, at County Market.  Other times, like say once a month, I at least significantly glance at the area in passing but shake it off.  It's hard when your sin is so wonderfully packaged and easily available! 

And they do this bad thing of removing alcohol from that section and scattering it about the store sometimes, in displays, so you never know when you'll run into it.  Those are easier to pass by, though.  Too much risk of someone I know seeing me standing in front of it contemplating.  And they'd be in an innocent section of the store, so there's that to consider.

At no point in my shopping trips do I ever fail to remember that such a section is there, though it doesn't bother me too much all in all.  I'd not like you to think that I'm always thinking of it, it's not like that.  It's tough to explain.  An alcoholic isn't an alcoholic for thinking of it 24/7.  Or even daily or weekly, or even monthly sometimes.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic because when the mood does strike, brought on by tension, stress, hardship, or even any old random thing you'd not expect, the desire can sweep over you, in a manner that just brought some tears to my eyes, because I am powerless to explain in words just how strong and urgent that can be.

It takes you in your pride of self and accomplishment, and insists you chuck it all away, for a cool refreshing sip of alcohol.  Just one.  I was playing at surfing in California once, just a body board, and a big wave caught me and crashed down on me.  I was under water, with no breath, spinning around helplessly, for I am no athlete, never have been.  All I could hope for was to break the surface for some air, to escape the drag that seemed to be pulling me further under and away from the safety of the shore.  For an endless time, I thought I would die.

The alcoholism is NOT like that wave.  Oh, no, that would be too easy.  When my weakness hits, it's the entirety of every trouble, doubt and fear I've ever had that's the wave.  The alcohol at that moment is the life giving air that you so desperately wish to obtain.  That you so desperately need to obtain.  That you so desperately MUST obtain.

And there's nothing much to do besides ponder and pray and count all the reasons for not doing it, and hope you convince yourself or trick yourself before the cooler door opens.  With your own hand on the handle as it opens.  You pray for the strength to walk away, and the difference between me and a relapser is that I've been able to - so far.  One cannot afford to get complacent ever.  One must never cease going to meetings.  One must always go to Church - where else can you make friends with those you'd be embarrassed to be caught by?

I envy those who can go shopping and never have that happen to them.  I wonder what it must be like.  A feeling of safety and peace, in which nothing can ever touch you that you can't handle, no sin is too large not to be said "no" too, and better, that it never really comes up for you to say "no" to.  It must be a wonderfully light and free feeling.

I don't know why I am the way I am.  Apparently there is a genetic component, I know my grandmother was an alcoholic, and alcoholism does tend to run in families.  Others insist it is not medical, that I'm just weak.  A lot of people think that, all of them who are not alcoholics or addicts, of course.  Perhaps they're right.  But perhaps not.

For I do know this - I'm a veteran, a father of three sons, I was an armed bank guard for 10 years in Alaska, and have traveled all over North America and Europe, by hitchhiking and freight train.  I've seen the best and worst in life, and lived in dangerous places from Compton to Boston's Combat Zone, and all in between.  And at no point have I ever needed to display such strength and fight so hard...

...as when I'm standing at the cooler door in County Market.

Perhaps I am weak.  But today I am not.  That's sufficient. 

Mercy for me - but not for others?

You know what saddens me?  It's those who having received a mercy that they'd no doubt honestly feel was warranted them, then don't want to show that mercy to others.

I cannot claim to have discovered that phenomena.  Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ told a parable found in Matthew 18:21-35, about a man who owed a great deal of money, but his Master forgave him when he could not immediately pay.  But then that same man, found a man below him who owed him money, and was unmerciful towards him.

When the Master heard of that, he withdrew his mercy, as the man had not been similarly merciful.

This is, by the way, why in the Lord's Prayer it's said, "forgive us our trespasses - as we forgive those who trespass against us."

This is also why we learn in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

Yet how rarely we do. 

Hence lately me hearing complaints about my perceived "leniency" at the Liahona Home. 

I've had a real upswing of complaints on that one - coincidentally after a young man who is openly homosexual was took in.  Usually getting a person at a sober living home to "tell" on another is a hopeless task, so besides mentioning that any of them can come to me, I don't bother quizzing them on the sobriety of each other.  Relapses always manifest themselves, anyway.  No addiction stays "hid" for long.  But while mostly guests are reticent about reporting someone, there's been no reticence here. 

Not been any shyness about complaining about the lesbian couple I'm aiding, either.  In spite of them progressing remarkably.

I explained as best I could.  This is a sober living home, and it is a safe place for people to recover.  But the thing about everyone in recovery is that many of us will have bumps on the road to recovery.  If by "many" I mean "all".  Thus the only way to have a perfectly safe sober living home - would be to not have any recovering addicts or alcoholics there!

There is always a lag time between the offense and me learning of it.  And between a first offense that might yet be corrected and a second.  And even - case by case - between a second offense in which there may yet be some hope, and another failing. 

I pointed out that we each have our issues, our errors, and our flaws.  The "safe" part is that mistakes are not allowed to grow and fester, or remain in place.  Perfection is not preached, but progress is, so that if a person is not receptive to counsel or correction, they will inevitably have to leave.

As to the two who live in a completely separate house, that I was accused of "coddling", it was that or leave them to die.  I can't bring all that are in that situation home, mores the pity, but I could bring in two.  I freely admitted to the guests of the first house that maybe I will fail, that maybe I will stand revealed a fool.  Spoiler alert, I was revealed as that long ago!  But no person's sobriety is on another person, so they'll have their chances to succeed or fail all the same.

No one "makes" a person drink or drug.  Triggers are just that - triggers.  What you choose to do in response to them is up to you.

How often do we hear active alcoholics or addicts say, "My nagging wife drove me to it!" or "My mean boss drove me to it!" or "An uncaring world drove me to it!"

Nonsense.  Those things no doubt did not aid you in making great choices.  But they didn't force any choice on you either.  At the end of the day, your sobriety is your own - or your drunkenness is.  Own it either way.  It's not on Obama or your boss or your wife - or on two addicts striving to recover any where else!  Or a young guy who's shorts are too short for my taste, but hey, I don't have to wear them!

Having made that point, I also pointed out that it was being overstated a bit anyway.  There is a big difference between an active addict and someone who has not had a whole week of being clean and sober yet.  A world of difference.  I pointed out to one guest that his number of days of "clean and sober" and the young man in question were - yeah, the same. 

We're not a detox.  Kind of why a detox is being called.  Kind of why I'm working with the case workers and POs on how to best progress this.  These things progress at a measured and appropriate pace, and ultimately, progress is either made, or eventually mercy to any not trying must be replaced by mercy to others truly affected by their lack of trying.

Because being actually affected by some bad behavior of an in your face active addict is one thing, and that is dealt with swiftly.  And with a swiftness usually quite surprising to the offender.  But simply citing that there are addicts in the world not fully recovered is another thing!  For that more mercy can be gave.

I had hoped that would end it, but the complaints were louder the next day.  Not over relapses, to the contrary, the kid had been observed as "sick" in a way that made it clear he was truly staying clean.  Too noisy, the light in his room with his curtain closed was too bright, too this, too that.  All code for "too gay".  One guest had "considerately" called some other places and was happy to let me know that they'd take him.  Another openly acknowledged, that yeah, it's because the kid's gay.  Okay, so that's two out of eight adults on two properties bothered by "gayness".  But it could be 7 out of 8 and the outcome would be the same.  At least while I'm the 8th!

I was very clear.  "That he's been sick shows that he really is trying to stay clean, that he goes to daily AA meetings says he's trying, and if he goes to detox, we'll know he's really serious."  A guest then said, "And when he goes to detox, you can give his bed to someone else?"  To which I replied, "When he completes a three day detox, that's a reason to be happy, not to kick him out."

"This doesn't sound like the kind of sober living house I was reading of.", I was gravely told.  "I don't know if I can stay here."

This from the guest who had started his stay here by drinking three nights in a row, and had a night's stay in our County jail over a drunken fight.  And had been relieved when I counseled with him, advised him that I'd like to still work with him, and then gave him another chance.

Well, so I made it clearer.  I told everyone, "The bottom line is that while we're a Christian themed house that would love to see everyone come to Christ, we are at the same time a non-profit corporation chartered by the State of Illinois and bound to obey their laws.  Discrimination is forbidden, not that I'm inclined to want to anyway.  And the church is very clear that we are to treat all people with love and respect and dignity, not just the ones we're comfortable with!  I don't care about any other problem any person has in their life, it is a large enough task for me to try and aid them in not picking up that next drink, or not getting that next high."

As to why I'm personally inclined to such mercies or second chances, whether a person is straight or gay?  Well, the goal is for the person to succeed, is what I usually say.  But it's more.  It's because I received mercy - an undeserved mercy.  From Jesus, of course, but from plenty in this world who reached down to aid me, even when I was a horse's ass.

It would be false of me to do less for others.

Obstacles to Recovery

A guest kicked out recently came back for the rest of his stuff that very same afternoon.  He was bragging that he found a place at (he named a woman's house).  I was not surprised.  She makes extra money by renting out rooms to those who need them.  Regrettably - and horribly - she's a minor staff member of a local rehab, and when she sees someone not liking the restrictions of the program, she offers them a place so that she can make fast cash, and they can indulge in their relapses.  She has pretended to be a "sober living home" at times, but she's really running an "anti-sober living home" as far as I'm concerned.  The former guest who went there today is not the first she's enabled.  We had another guest who went over there to indulge in crack.  

It's a tough old world out there.  Because such disgusting enablers are only one obstacle to an addict's recovery.

Someone messaged me over my last article, concerning that same man, to ask how I knew where his drug dealer lived.  Good question.  And frankly, I've become so used to this world, that I forgot that such would be a matter that would make others not in this world wonder.

The thing is, I know a variety of drug dealers.  No, not "personally", we don't hang out or anything, though I've met and chatted with some before in the course of my work.  Some have come over to the Liahona Home.  Which isn't too odd when you think about it.  It's Sutton's Law, named after the infamous bank robber Willie Sutton, who when asked why he robbed banks allegedly said, "Because that's where the money is."

                                                Pictured: Where the money is!

As to why then drug dealers come to sober living homes?  Well, that's where the addicts are.  Drug dealers also attend AA and NA meetings.  For the same reason - to find more customers.  Of any 100 at a meeting, easily 90 will relapse at least once.  Recovery is a long and arduous process.  And dealers are there every step of the way to make it harder.

Unsurprisingly, they don't wear name tags or uniforms, so when they come by the Liahona Home - or any sober living home - they are posing as "friends" of a guest.  Invited by some relapser who's not been caught yet, or is still being worked with.  It usually does not take to long to discover which "friends" are dealing, but by then I've chatted with them a time or two.  Then they're told to not come by any more.  I ask it of them politely.  And they agree politely and don't come back.  Unlike in the movies, they're not looking for any trouble. 

Other times I know of them because when giving a ride to a guest, I might see one of them at wherever it is I'm taking that guest - a few too many times.  It's an indicator.  I was a policeman in the Air Force, and had ten years or so as an armed guard for banks and armored car companies, so I'm fairly observant.  I'm not bragging, though.  It's pretty common for me to be got over on for a bit, but in the end, as I mention to some guests, it always manifests itself.  Addictions are never hid for long.

The goal, as I tell the guest, is for them to succeed.  I can afford to wait and see if my suspicions are justified.  I'm a firm believer in Blackstone's famous quote, "It is better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer".  And when the time comes, and a guest must leave, there is usually no huge argument at that point - they'll know I've gave every chance, and then some.

The drug dealer's names tickle me.  Their names are also different than the movies.  Or rather, they sound similar, but for different reasons.  There's a dealer named "Seven".  I asked the guest why.  I was wondering in my head, was it for him having killed seven people?  Had he killed the sixth dealer for a given area and took over?  Had he been busted seven times?  Had he done some seven year stretch of hard time?

Nope.  He doesn't deal after 7pm, that's all.  What a let down to my overly dramatic imagination!  I got a laugh from the guest by asking, "What happens during daylight savings time, do you call him Six?"

Likewise, one called "D" is not using that letter to stand for "Danger" or "Disaster" or even "Dealer".  No, it's just the first letter of his ordinary name, which I'll not give here.  Another is called "Coco".  By this time, I figured he must be an albino, but no, that nickname was for his African American descent.  And in case you're wondering, and you should not in the Midwest, most dealers are white.

Another obstacle is that often times in sober living homes - including mine - other guests drink.  Or use.  After all, the success rate here is only 12.5% - which is actually a good bit higher than a lot of sober living homes, and something I'm proud of.  And yet before I know of a particular guest relapsing, the other guests know it first, since they live right there with him.  And it is inevitably asked, "Why aren't I doing anything about it?"  Good question - see above.  I do something about it when, one, I know of it.  And two, "doing something" might just be a stern talking to and assigning more meetings.  Case by case.

But "If he gets to drink, why can't I shoot heroin?" is the mentality I often run into, sometimes literally.  Besides teenagers, addicts have the most keenly developed sense of "justice" and "what's fair" on Earth!  And if anyone any where is in the least bit getting away with anything, then it would be monstrously wrong to in any way counsel or punish them for what they are doing, until every injustice in the world has ceased, and all past injustices are compensated for!

This is why I counsel each new guest - look outside the house, not inside.  Focus on what's out there - your new job, you saving up money, the car you'll buy, the place you'll get.  Don't focus inside the house, on who's doing what, who is wronging you, etc.  Focusing outward leads to you maintaining your own sobriety - inward will have you relapsing.  Don't worry about others - worry about yourself! 

Dealers posing as friends at AA meetings and sober living homes.  Fake sober living homes.  Relapsing guests.  Those are just three of the "Obstacles to Recovery" that addicts must deal with.  Do not get me wrong, though.  Each person's recovery is on them, and I tell that to each guest.  It is a tough old world, and there'll be a million reasons provided for relapsing.  Nagging spouses or girlfriends.  Mean bosses.  Unfair Probation or Parole officers.  Dealers with their temptations.  Your old friends and their temptations.  The list could go on forever.  And I tell them this too - Satan.  He and his demons are always there to try to guide them to temptation, or weaken their resolve, and if they can't see that it's Satan behind it, they can at least see all the mundane things that I believe he is behind.

But here is the hard truth - and far harder if you were born with an addictive personality.  It's not really the "fault" of others.  Oh, yes, they are trying to derail you.  They are trying to bring temptation to you.  They are trying to bobble you so that you'll be so stressed out that you "have to" have a drink - or a line, or a smoke or a shot.

Yet they can only provide the temptation or trial.  It is TOTALLY on you how you deal with that temptation or trial!  A person in recovery, faced with trial and/or temptation could go drink or drug.  OR - they could come talk to me.  Or go and talk to their sponsor.  Or pray.  Or attend a meeting.  Or ditch their destructive friends.  Or stop meeting with dealers.  Or not go to another house for it being "easier" or "cooler".

Are those hard things?  Yes.  Are they things easier for me to type than it is for them to do while they suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?  You bet. 

But they are necessary things - if recovery is the goal. 

One of Satan's snares - or the World's snares, if you're not religious - is to have a person think that "Because it's tough, it's okay to falter."  Like all things designed to destroy you, it has a certain plausibility to it.  On one level, it is okay that a person falters, we are all fallible, we are all prone to error, we all, as Romans 3:23 assures us, "have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God".  So there's that. 

But on another level - the most important level - there's a time where one must grow up.  And clean up.  And be "sick and tired of being sick and tired".  Yes, the person born with an addictive personality has a disease, and properly regarded, is as unfortunate as any person born physically or mentally handicapped.  But just as some physical infirmities can be overcome with hard Physical Therapy, and just as some mental issues can be overcome with extra effort at education, so can addictions be managed - and overcome - by hard work at recovery.

True, there are some physical and mental limitations that no hard work can overcome - but as is learned in AA:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.  They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a   manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

Thus the obstacles to recovery are real - and many.  But they are NOT insurmountable.  If one fails, it is in the main, on themselves.  The burden of overcoming obstacles to recovery is thus on them.  They are not responsible for other's success or failures - and no one is responsible for their success or failure. 

It's a hard lesson.  And one not often learned, even by those who have some clean and sober time under their belt.  Yet if that clean and sober time is to last, it is a lesson that must be learned.

Definitions, failings and success!

Detox, rehab, sober living home, halfway house, group home...what's the difference, what's it all mean?

"Detox" (detoxification, literally a "de-poisoning") is a three to five day program, usually medically supervised, to get someone off of the immediate physical addiction of the drug, or rather, at least through the worst part of the withdrawals from the drug. Or in some cases, the alcohol. I've heard of classy programs involving doctors and nurses in nice one person suites...and then there's Cousin Jim's basement and he's not letting you out till you've stopped throwing up.

If done medically, there are usually some medicines involved to ease the transition, like sleep aids to help you sleep through the worst, or some withdrawal pain relievers like Suboxone or such. These can be stand alone programs, at a hospital or clinic, or they can be the start of a larger rehabilitative program.
 

"Rehab" (rehabilitation, literally a "making yourself whole again") is a 28 day to 90 day program where you are given a safe, clean and sober environment in which all your needs are met to varying degrees of luxury. While in it, you attend everything from group therapy sessions to AA meetings to even religious services, according to which rehab you are in.

Cost varies widely from the very expensive ritzy ones with mints on pillows such as the movie stars go to, to free ones such as a Salvation Army in which they will have you work - often times long hours - in exchange for a cot and meals.

As mentioned, some rehabs include a detox. Detox must always come first. Because if you're stopping, then it will come first whether you are technically in one or not!

"Sober Living homes" are a legal construct created in the 1970s so that a facility could cater to men and women coming out of a rehab and give them a place to get back on their feet. And, at the same time, retain the right to kick them out over any rule breaking or relapse, while forgoing the usual landlord/tenant laws that involve "notice".

They are chiefly distinct in that they are not only under a special section of Federal law, but have various restrictive rules pertaining to what substances and activities are forbade, and what meetings or such are required. Such rules can vary quite wildly from house to house, but at the least involve no drugs or alcohol.

Other than that, you may find almost any kind, from secular to religious, LBGTQ or any, all men or all women, or mixed.

It is hoped that besides having an opportunity to get a job, save money and get a car and place to stay of their own, that they will also be learning to build up a "habit of sobriety" that will serve them well when they are on their own.

"Halfway houses" are primarily places where those who have been released early from prison (paroled) stay while transitioning into society.

This may be mandatory, and they may be required to spend a given amount of time, from a few weeks to the rest of their original sentence there. Or it may be a place that they need only stay in long enough to find their own place, and then, with the permission of their PO (Parole Officer) move to that.

The rules there are usually at least as restrictive as Sober Living homes, but the focus is far more on them just staying legal and in keeping with their conditions as opposed to learning about maintaining sobriety. In some cases, in fact, the simple act of having legal alcoholic beverages would not be forbade.

"Group homes" are a more broad categorization that among other types, includes halfway houses and sober living homes. They are any home in which you have a variety of people who are not all related, but brought together by some commonality of purpose. They include homes that are used as shelters for the homeless. Or for runaways. Or battered women. Or those in the LGBTQ community. Or undocumented immigrants. Or almost any other type of group you can think of, in which a shelter is being provided, but not in an institutional fashion of a 100 bed dorm room but instead an otherwise normal house converted to taking in as many as possible in as pleasant a fashion as possible.

They may have one person per room - or even four per room in two bunk beds. It depends on demand and upon local ordinances.

There are different laws for each of these, oddly enough, and the same law that would let me, for instance, ask a drunk at the sober living home to leave at once is not the same law that lets someone running a rehab have a disruptive person leave, or having someone violating parole leave a halfway house, or having a runaway pilfering leave a group home.

And NONE of these are of a necessity "communes", though a commune could decide to cater to any of these groups - save halfway houses which have state mandated rules. A "commune", while outside the scope of this article is simply a group of people of some commonality of interest that has decided to pool their labor, capital and resources to make a go at living in the same home, usually a large structure, but sometimes several structures on one piece of land. The hallmark of them is that they are usually run upon principles usually described as "Marxian", though many religious communes refer to it as "the law of consecration".

I am aware of no type of house - at least successful ones - that do not have a "decider". Or leader. Or arbiter. Or program supervisor. Or guru. Or State worker. Whatever the title, there is always one who decides who stays and who goes. Sometimes houses - particularly communes, but many sober living homes - fall prey to the democratic fallacy and usually explode or fizzle.

The democratic fallacy is that somehow all this stuff can be voted on. In the case of sober living homes, that comes up more often because it pertains to some of the laws that cover them. A subset of sober living homes are democratically run, and while some succeed, some of them sink so far that their charters are revoked. Or they go bankrupt. And the ones that succeed? It's usually due to there being a guy who can over-ride the local house vote and threaten to yank their charter.

In communes, it fails when the non-workers out vote the workers. In sober living homes, the lax will out vote those trying to do better. In halfway houses, the State makes no pretense of democracy, you obey your conditions of parole or go back to prison. In group home "shelters", of any type, there's usually a supervisor of some title or the other to enforce the rules, rules in theory agreed to by your presence there. Voting, in the case of all well-run houses, is only for inconsequential matters.

Back to the distinctions between detox, rehab and sober living homes - what's that mean for the Liahona Home?

Well, we're not a detox or rehab, for starters. We usually receive guests from the ARC - the Adult Rehabilitative Center of the Salvation Army. They'll have any where from 30 to 90 days of sobriety, and will then be pushed out the door and told, "Succeed!" Not being able to instantly get a job, car and place, they often times fail. Having burnt out their family and friends before recovery, and having no place to go.

Our sober living home - and other sober living homes like Oxford House - pick up the slack and aid people in transitioning from that rehab to independence. But we don't detox anyone, we have no medical staff, no counseling. We don't rehab anyone, other than in the sense that there are AA meetings available within a block and a half of the home and "free rides to church"! There is employment advice, and actually all manner of advice available, and even some of those who have been there longer have aided those who only just arrived, but at this point, some "self-motivating" is now expected.

There are idiosyncracies due to that. Sometimes a beer has got a person kicked out - if it's a repeated offense or if there's a bunch of other stuff attendant to it, or if they seem recalcitrant. Other times even more than a beer has still had us work with a person who may yet be helped. One guest is here on his third try (and as of writing this, was just asked to leave this morning). It is always case by case. But it always surprises some, who apparently reading of such homes somehow are picturing bars and guards and cups to collect random samples of urine to insure compliance.

Most of the time, a relapser is NOT caught by a urine test - though we have used those before, and have some tests available. Most of the time they are caught by - well, by it being obvious. It's a little known fact, but a cop doesn't need a drug or alcohol test to arrest you for a DUI - and a sober living home does not need a test to kick some one out for drinking or drugging. And let me tell you, that was one wise Federal law, or everyone would claim, "Yeah, that test will say I took opiates, but it was just this pill my doctor gave me, so it doesn't mean anything."

We don't need the test, and so don't need to worry about which opiates - or which methamphetamines or which coca plants may make a test positive! The behavior can be sufficient. Peace must be maintained. For the sake of those who are serious about sobriety, if nothing else.

This morning, for instance, a conversation took place like this:

Me: You're going to have to find another place to stay today.

Relapser: Why?

Me: Because you've been using heroin.

Relapser: No, I haven't! You can drop me, I'm clean!

("Drop" - urine test)

Me: If you bring me a clean test result from a lab, I'll not only let you stay, but give you a month for free.

Relapser: Well, I can't afford a lab test right now.

Me: You were paid $350 yesterday from your roofing job.

Relapser: But my phone bill...

Me: That's a mighty expensive phone. But okay, have your PO call me about sending me a copy of the drug test you said he gave you last week.

Relapser: It was actually more than a week ago, and I'm not sure if I can reach him.

Me: Okay, I've one $29 drug test left. If you'll pledge your X-box for collateral, I'll give you that test. If it's negative, I'll give you a free month here. If it's positive, you go, and I keep your X-box.

Relapser: I'm not putting up my X-box, who ever heard of that?

Me: Who ever heard of collateral? Plenty, I'm guessing. And as you're clean, why worry? But if you won't take a drug test, then I guess you'll have to go.

Relapser: This isn't fair!

Me: Why get angry? You say you're clean - take any of the tests, throw the clean results in my face and have a month stay on me. I'd be happy to be wrong. You act like I'm not offering enough! You need two months free?

Relapser: No, you just don't want me here. And if you don't, you should just say so.

Me: Ever hear of that thing where "admitting you have a problem is the first step"?

Relapser: I don't have anything to admit.

Me: Then take the drug test I have here.

Relapser: I would, but come to think of it, I've been on Suboxone, and that will probably make it test positive.

Me: That's for getting over heroin withdrawal, why would you need that?

And on and on. He had, of course, an answer for everything. Like why it made perfect sense to be on Suboxone though he had allegedly not done heroin for months.

The funny thing about sober living homes is that all those in them were at one point otherwise responsible adults. And having achieved a remarkable accomplishment - their sobriety - they figure they are ready to run their own life and forge their own destiny and don't need any real rules. Or at least not all of them! Thus an addict will think that a "few beers" is okay, as he "never" had trouble with alcohol, "just" crack! Or some former alcoholic will figure that he's got his drinking down to "social" levels and doesn't need any more aid.

Some always think marijuana is okay, you know, because it's legal in Colorado, or "non-addictive" or medicinal. It's not okay. Not in any sober living house I'll ever run, even if it's decriminalized Federally!

And some, like the person asked to leave today, will think that Suboxone or methadone or various other pain-killers, opioids, etc., are perfectly okay. Though in this man's case, while he was no doubt taking all manner of pharmaceuticals, he was actually shooting up, too. I've noticed that about heroin users. Any opioid will do in a pinch. And any pain killer in a pinch of the pinch. When you're addicted to heroin, its not about the high, because there is no more high. It's about not getting sick. "Sick" being what they call withdrawals.

Relapser: Do you see any track marks on me? You can look!

Me: I will never know you well enough to look all the places I know those can be!

The young man had plenty of tattoos, and could skin pop it any where there, or under his hair even, or between his toes, or various other places far more private. Places I'm not paid enough to look at, since, oh yeah, I'm not paid at all! He was finally packed up, and I was ready to take him any where he wanted to go.

Relapser: Let's go to Monster Pawn.

Me: Why not leave your X-box and everything with me, let me drop you off at ARC, and after a 90-day rehab program, I'll take you back with a whole month for free?

Relapser: Because I'm not going to lie and tell them I'm an addict when I'm not!

Me: Ever wonder why everyone lies about you and says you use?

Relapser: I don't know why others have it in for me. But *blank* and *blank* are using, and *blanks* been drinking!

Me: Do you need me to bring another bus by, so you can throw some more of your friends under it?

As I've mentioned in past articles, almost all guests made to leave have much to say about the sins and failings of others. It's to deflect from themselves being punished. Later, after we went to Monster Pawn, we went down town to drop another guest off at the library, so he could get a library card. I told that guest I'd be back in a few minutes. Then driving off, I asked the relapser where he wished to be dropped off. Though I kind of already knew.

Relapser: County Market on Carpenter.

Me: Isn't that the County Market right across the street from the heroin dealer you're facebook friends with?

Relapser: No, I just want to go to County Market to get something to eat!

Me: I could take you to St. John's Breadline, they're serving now, and it's free.

Relapser: No, County Market has good food!

I was tempted to say, "Is that what you kids are calling it these days?", but refrained. I dropped him off in the parking lot of County Market. I waited for him to go around my van and in the door. Instead, he started heading over to the street. Where a certain person lived just across that street.

I shook my head and went off to the library to pick up the guest who's doing well. One wins some, and one loses more. But the guest I was picking up had no job and was estranged from his family July of last year, when I first met him.

Now, he's been with us almost a year, and will be leaving in a week or so. He has a full time job, and visits his family regularly. All is well with him. While many have come and gone since he first came here July 17th of 2015, he will be "graduating" very soon, that is to say, leaving on good terms, and with everything better that needs to be better.

And that's what it's all about, past the definitions, past the failures, past the lies and past the silliness. That of over two dozen aided, he will be the third to succeed.