A Random Night for a Program Supervisor

3:30am - There's been a problem lately of someone in the Liahona Home sleeping in the living room on the couch. And yes, in a home with four men with four work schedules, that kind of thing is a problem.

I know that right now, as I type, it's 98% certain that someone is doing that right now. If by "someone", I mean, "The very person I talked to about this earlier today, yesterday, last week and last month."

Still sounds small, I know. But a failure to enforce one of our few rules only leads to greater violations of the more important rules. And that already happened once four days ago, and I don't want that happening again.

Guess I'll go over now. Alcoholics are like puppies. If you don't catch us in the act, we won't learn.

3:43am - I'm back now. Yeah, he was. First line of his defense was having the porch light off - another rule violation - and the bottom part of the door locked. That way the noise I'd make trying to get in the front door would give him time to sit up.

So I went in the back.

Second line of defense was that he "can't" sleep on the mattress in the bedroom, too hard. This I've heard from him before.

I pointed out that as it happened, I had been looking for a new mattress so as to address his concerns, and that he was still free to swap with any other guest if he wanted, but at the end of the day, this is a $150 place.

And not per night, or per week. Per month. I reminded him that that meant no mints on pillows or goose down mattresses.

I went over - again - the reasoning behind the rules, how few they were, and how important it was that such we have be followed. And how some small rule violations lead to medium rule violations and then too big a violation.

(I learned this method from my dad. Bore them to tears with the review, and it becomes it's own punishment.)

Third line of defense, that others are doing it or worse. I must say, I've been relieved in this non-profit enterprise that I've previously raised cats and teenagers. It's aided me, it truly has.

I spent some time in upbuilding, in case any reading this are worried. I had spoke true to him - and he knows this - that we are the nicest and most accommodating sober living home in Springfield. At least, and be consistent with being a sober living home.

Our rules are minimal - so as to give them leeway in their job schedules, and our program fee is miniscule and below actual cost.

I asked afterward if he and I were okay. He said we were. I hope we are. Less than three hours from now when others awake there and I do - or do not - get a complaint by text message about him on the couch, I'll know.

(I was called right about when I had finished writing the above.)

3:47am - Had to go back. He called to have me come over. It was a "rights" issue, as in what right did I have to come over at 3:30am. And through the back door.

I pointed out that had I tried to navigate a darkened porch and open a doubly locked door, there'd have been time to sit up and put blankets and pillow away. Then I'd not be able to talk about it, but would only get denials.

Then the question was about what right there was in general for these rules.

I explained as I had before the application had been filled out. That we're a sober living home operating under the specific federal law that pertains (and was created for) sober living homes. There are no landlord/tenant relations. There is no right to drink on premises, or smoke or for that matter, to sleep on a couch in the living room.

There is the right to pay a program fee and follow the house rules.

I did point out that there are other rights. For instance, the right of any guest to seek out a different sober living home that has rules more or less to their liking. With - in all cases I know of - bigger fees, though.

I pointed out that any guest has the right to seek out any apartment, trailer or house ran by a landlord. And the landlord would have no right to come over at 3:30am, and they could drink and smoke and sleep wherever they wanted in that place.

But that typically that would cost between $300 and $700 per month, depending.

I explained that this is a matter of what one is willing to pay for. That while I was in fact looking for any other mattress, that this place just is what is, a way station, a transitory living place, the point B between A, where you were, and C, where you hope to be.

I also mentioned that no one wants "no rules". I said that you mean you want no rules for yourself, if just you live there. I know you don't want the other three to have no rules.

In theory, there is an understanding now. I hope there is. I closed on my own last line of defense. The "If anyone is unhappy, I can pro-rate their fee back to them and aid them in driving them to any place they'd be happier."

I was not took up on that. But then, I never have been.

TMI

In the main, the program as outline in Alcoholics Anonymous is the best program that we have for battling Alcoholism, and in fact, all other addictions as well.  And it is the one we insist on the Liahona Home.

Yet there is an issue that I have always took some exception with, and was grateful to learn that others before me have, too, and especially that one "other" was a quite high authority.

What I refer to is the practice, of when a person has been free of alcohol for a long period, then slips, to instantly run to a meeting and let all those there know - be they long in their sobriety or just starting - that he slipped.

I've sat in those meetings, as a still struggling alcoholic, and frankly, those confessions distressed me.  I'd be looking up to such people with their year of sobriety, or their two years, or their 10 years or 20.  It would be giving me some small hope of achieving such a feat myself.

Then on an evening like any other, they'd come in and cryingly confess to having slipped.  The slip would - in most of the cases I ever heard - be small and unlikely to be repeated, but they would confess it nonetheless.  Then they'd return to their sobriety, apparently feeling better for having shared, and the burden they no longer were carrying would be carried by us.

Or from my perspective - by me!

Some are no doubt saying that this is the point of AA.  That we can share our personal remorse and doubts and weaknesses and then the whole group in some fashion carry that which was too heavy for us.

And in some aspects of it, in some things, and in the main, that is good and fair enough.  But on the matter of a long term sober man or woman coming in to confess, I think it does more harm then good, and more harm to the person confessing as well as to I and others who must hear it.

First, it does harm me, as it filled me with a sense of hopelessness that even if I could abstain for 10 or 20 years, that I might slip and fall as they did, and have all my Sobriety and Coins and such come crashing to the floor!  To be back again and reset to zero and no further along then when I first realized I had a problem!

Second, it harms the person confessing.  This is more controversial for me to say, but I believe this.  I believe that sometimes some things in our lives are not "real" until we've told them to another.  Thus the couple talking about divorce may talk and talk about for years, with no concrete harm to their relationship done, but the moment one shares it with a friend, it becomes "real" and the actual divorce is quick to follow.

Why?  Because before either told another, they feared what the reactions would be.  Maybe their friends would shun them!  Maybe no one would like them any more!  Maybe everyone would side with the other spouse! 

But when they share with their first friend they at once find out that they were not struck by lightening or otherwise killed or attacked, and that the friend is in the main sympathetic and still loves them and will not be shunning them, and in fact, will probably see more of them!

This lets them know that if they were to divorce - or whatever bad thing they had been contemplating - that they will not be harmed or made to live alone forever!   And thus - seemingly paradoxically - they are now more inclined to do whatever that hidden behavior was, then before, when it was still hidden!

I feel - and I feel it drawing upon my own experience in battling alcohol - that this applies to alcohol and drugs and other battles against addiction.

At the start, when you are first making a go of it, then yes, I believe that full and frank confessions in AA meetings are appropriate, good and needful.  Especially as in coming out of the active stage of alcoholism you've likely been harming a great many people with it, and confession of harm to others is always appropriate, no matter what.

You also only have days or months in, and no one is looking up to you as any kind of long term role model.  Your confession of back-sliding is not going to cause despair in any one, even the guy who is struggling towards his 24 hour coin.

But when you have a year plus in, and on some random day or night you have a slip, then a self-assessment is needed - and strongly encouraged by me - before you make any grand declaration at the next AA meeting.

The most crucial thing is this - was it "just" that one time slip?  Are you realizing now, at this moment, how stupid that was, and how you feel no desire to re-commit that offense against yourself? 

If so, then say nothing to others, and go one as if you have your year plus, and do not bother or stumble others by making them think that a year plus is impossible - and do not stumble yourself by making real that which is not yet fully real!

Because you know how others will see you if you confess that you slipped.  They'll see you as weak and worthless and without hope.  That their confidence in you was misplaced and that they should never trust you again.  That you are now to be shunned and be outside the pale of all acceptable company ever!

Of course, even reading this, you kind of know that it would not truly be as bad as all that - yet no alcoholic can ever quite be sure if it might not be, and certainly in some cases for some it might well be just as bad as all that, if not more!  We each have burnt bridges, people do reach a breaking point, the next time could be the time where you'd be shunned!

So, either way, are you going to risk sharing it with another and making it "real"?  Of learning that you might be able to get away with it and still have friends and support?  Is not the fear of being ostracized - a fear again, that might be real - one worth keeping, as it tends to aid you in keeping sober?

Do you really wish to learn differently?  And thus learn that you could - possibly - keep drinking?

I emphasize again, to confess may well get one shunned, so do not think that it is automatic that if you did confess, all would be okay and you could keep drinking.  That is not the point.  What I mean is that you might confess, be shunned by the decent people who are finally fed up with your repeated back-slidings, but then you realize that you might be able to live with that, and thus continue to run to the bottle.

If you have then any regard or respect for those around you, and for their opinion of you, then please, let yourself keep that if it aids you in not drinking again, and do not throw that aid away out of some misguided sense of "honesty".

Am I then counseling dishonesty?  No.  Only that not everything needs to be shared with your fellow man.

By confessing then only to God, and re-committing to sobriety privately, you are preserving one of the tools you have in maintaining your sobriety - the good regard of other men.  If that is a value to you, and aids you in sobriety, then do NOT throw it away.  But DO confess to God, repent and renew your commitment to carry on, wiser and better prepared.

Understand, obviously if then you have "just" another slip and "just" another several times, this advice is NOT to be took.  Clearly then, after several times in some kind of short period, you have a larger problem than some random slip or unique moment of weakness.

In those cases, you should confess to others, especially as with each "just one slip" you are more and more likely to have injured another some how, or at least put them at risk with bad behaviors such as drunk driving or neglecting your job or family responsibilities.

But if it is that one time slip, and you feel sure, then try to simply re-commit and carry on.  If nothing happens for a month, still then carry on.  And if nothing happens for a year, then you'll see that it was wise to have remained silent and not made a large thing - that could stumble you and others - out of a small thing that you did at least repent of.

Oh, but who was that "high authority" I was mentioning at the beginning of this article? 

A man rather important to me, given my faith, his name was Brigham Young.  A Prophet in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that I am a member of.

In his Journal of Discourses, Volume 8, he had this to say:

"I have my weakness, and you have yours; but if I am inclined to do that which is wrong, I will not make my wrong a means of leading others astray...

...I believe in coming out and being plain and honest with that which should be made public, and in keeping to yourselves that which should be kept. If you have your weaknesses, keep them hid from your brethren as much as you can. You never hear me ask the people to tell their follies. But when we ask the brethren, as we frequently do, to speak in sacrament meetings, we wish them, if they have injured their neighbors, to confess their wrongs; but do not tell about your nonsensical conduct that nobody knows of but yourselves. Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take that person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God, and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it."

The insight of this man astonished me when a kindly brother in my Church brought it to my attention, I felt it really resonated with me. 

I have seen some in AA get stumbled by first admitting a one time slip after a year or so, but then when the heavens do not fall upon them, and they realize that it's such a long road back to that year coin or two year coin - why all the incentive then is for them to drink again!

They see no real punishment on one hand, and all the rewards that were holding them steady gone - or pushed far in the future - on the other hand! 

I have also seen - no, experienced - the opposite.  My own wife knows the truth of this.  I have not slipped in many years, but it was not always so for me.  I had my year plus, and then a night of foolishness.  I knew then, instinctively, that if this were to be made a big deal, that all would be lost, or at least put at real risk.

I told that to my wife, and she "got it".  With the reservations as to whether it would turn out to be one slip or many.  But it was just one slip.  I shudder to think of how it could have played out if she had made a big deal out of it.  Or if I had gone in to a meeting and made a big deal of it. 

I have heard of this from others.  After a year plus, a slip.  And then sometimes, after another couple of years, another slip, though more minor.  And then sobriety without interruption.  What are the limits, what are the parameters, how many slips is too many?

Oh, if it is more than that slip in a year, or at least more than a slip in a month after having had a year of sobriety, you should go to a meeting and confess.  That is what that specific meeting is for.  But if you believe you can re-commit, and if in doing, you do not then slip, then the wisdom of having waited before confessing will make itself apparent. 

And after all, if you did repent privately, and did not re-offend, then after awhile, you won't really have anything to confess.  It will have paid off.  If by chance you fail, the meeting is always there, and you can confess soon enough then, but try to simply let one slip be one slip first.

There'll be time enough for big, tearful, sobriety-destroying, morale sinking confessions later if need be!  Just always try to get back on the horse first, and only if that proves impossible or you're thrown too often tell others!

Excuses and Chaff

People who refuse to live clean and sober are frustrating.  For one, there's no reasoning with them.  You can tell them the benefits of living sober and they'll agree entirely.  Yep, they won't argue with you at all, they 100% agree that living clean and sober is the way to go, and they will be up for spending some time in making sure you know that.  What they won't then do is actually start living clean and sober. 

It's amazing to witness.  At no point are they disagreeing with you.  They completely agree that being clean and sober is the best thing to be.  It's "just" that their addiction/alcoholism is not as bad as the ones you're speaking of, or they have a handle on it, or they're not really the ones with the problem, or their loved ones and friends are exaggerating, or other people drink and drug worse, or really, it's "just" not any one elses concern, as their drinking/drugging is not affecting anyone else. 

I put "just" in quotes, because I hate that word.  It's like as long as something is "just" then a bad is some how good and wrong is some how right.  "Just" is some word that apparently lets you acknowledge bad while denying it's badness.  Were you cheating?  Why no, I was "just" on a date with Trixie.  Were you drinking?  No, I was "just" having a few to unwind.  Were you drugging?  No, I was "just" sniffing the heroin, not shooting it or anything.

Then for two, they want to make anything you say personal.  So when you explain how living in a clean and sober fashion - not just for a day or month, but month after month - is a benefit, they want to act like you're suggesting they're a bad person.  Like you're trying to lay some kind of guilt trip on them.  Which is odd, since they had - as mentioned in my first point - previously agreed that living clean and sober is a good thing.

But they will be upset with you, mark my word.  They'll become defensive.  "Hey, we're all flawed, man, we're all sinners!" they'll say, as if by commenting on that obvious fact that it then excuses their particular sin.  This is "chaff", as in something tossed out to distract you.  It's not real.  You can confirm my assessment of this by pointing out to them that you agree that everyone is flawed and sinning, but you're not advocating a leap up to perfection, only for a modest improvement that - in theory - both of you agree is good.  Like to now live clean and sober. 

If what they had said about how we're all flawed was real, this is where they'd hit their forehead and say, "Yeah, I hadn't thought of it like that!  I guess I should start living sober, and not use the fact that we can't be perfect as an excuse to not grow and improve!"  But as it really was chaff, they'll instead be upset with you and ask why you're down on them or some other deflective question said with a tone that is as clear in meaning as a cat's hiss.  "Get away", that tone will say.

Also, this is where they'll want to justify by citing how good they are in general.  And so if you continue to argue with them, it's like you are disagreeing with their "good guy" status.  They'll trot out how they're providing for family or still holding a good job or attending a church or being kind to their mom or other such chaff.  And all that, by the way, is chaff.  They already know that you could easily point out that Hitler was kind to his dog - what does that have to do with his bad?  And likewise, so they work for a living or love their mom - so what? 

But while we're all supposed to be kind to dogs, work for a living and love our moms, they toss this stuff out so that if you agree, then they're like "See?  Since I'm so great, I hardly need to worry about being clean and sober this month!"  Forgot is that those things aren't really that great.  We're all expected to work and bathe and pet dogs and give gruel to orphans.  Those good things don't excuse doing bad.

It's forgot that even if those things were super-duper great, that it still wouldn't matter.  Getting an A + + + in History class doesn't mean that it's okay to flunk Math and English.  And doing good in a million ways each month does not excuse failing to be clean and sober for that same month.  Cure cancer, save a kitten from a fire, leap tall buildings - you're still supposed to be clean and sober each month.

Thirdly, when they can't agree with you to death or toss out suitable chaff to distract you, they'll end up blaming something or someone.  Now you know you're getting somewhere, the somewhere being their second to last line of defense.  This is where you'll hear how the stress of family or job causes their drinking.  Or how if anyone was in their situation, they'd do the same.  They don't have time for AA or NA meetings.  Their schedule is to busy.  Those meetings don't do any good anyway.  Those in the meetings are lousy.  Concurrent with this is the stuff from before, too, so you get mixes and matches of excuses and chaff. 

"I drink because of my job, but not so much as Steve, and it isn't hurting anyone and it's just a few each night, and do you know how many charities I help with?"  Yeah, they'll still use all the other stuff, but they'll now be implicitly admitting a (tiny!) problem, but one excused by other people or situations not treating them right.  It's still chaff, as you'll find out if you try to explain how there is no problem that won't be made WORSE by failing to be clean and sober, and then observing that they still will not be clean and sober.

Instead, you'll get down to their last line of defense.  You'll be attacked.  Who are you to be on their case about this?  Are you some kind of puritan?  Some busybody sticking your nose in their business?  Are you their friend - or their mom?  And besides, are YOU perfect?  A rather bizarre question when you think of it logically, as it would suggest that unless you are perfect, you could not then criticize anyone about anything ever!  And yet there is the person who drinks and drugs, criticizing you, though having previously admitted that drinking and drugging is bad!

Apparently then, the person refraining from being clean and sober each month is okay - but you mentioning it is bad!  At any of these various levels, this is where the alcoholic/addict has wanted you to walk away.  Walk away fooled, walk away in friendship, walk away thinking something will be done, walk away thinking nothing needs be done, or walk away realizing that you're too imperfect to discuss it - but WALK AWAY and leave them to their drinking and drugging.

And inevitably, that is what you must do.  Walk away.  If the person won't admit they have a problem, there's nothing you can do to "make them".  You can only do two things at that point.  Wait for them to hit rock bottom and realize that they need to make a change - and you can be there for them then.  And in the meanwhile, be there for any family or friends of theirs who get hurt by relying on the alcoholic/addict, and then being let down by that alcoholic/addict. 

For the alcoholic/addict is not just hurting himself, he's hurting all those who had relied upon him being clean and sober each month.  So until they're ready for help, help those who relied upon them.