You might be an alcoholic if...

When you're in the business of running a sober living home, as we at the Liahona Home are, then you will regularly run into people who are asking, for themselves or another, "How do I know if I/he/she is an alcoholic?"

The answer? 

In general, if the question is even asked, then the answer is "Yes".  People who drink normally, responsibly and without any issues do not ask that question of themselves, nor do they have others ask it about them.  Only those who are already struggling will first have it asked by others, then eventually get around to asking it about themselves.

Of course, there are also generally accepted signs.  Things that can be warning signs.  For me, it was waking up in the County Jail with a hangover.  Nothing says "problem with alcohol" like a bail hearing for assault on a police officer.  In the case of others, it's usually a DUI.  Or their second one.  Or their third.  In the case of still others, it's problems at work, as in "being fired from". 

In general, if you've had legal problems, family problems or work problems, and at least one person has told you it was due to alcohol, you should regard yourself as an alcoholic.  Most alcoholics, and addicts, have had most all types of signs and problems before admitting they need help.  It's easier for them to be in denial, this lets them continue on with the addiction, and so they excuse each individual thing as it comes up. 

It wasn't alcohol that was why they lost their marriage, it was just that she nagged too much.  It wasn't alcohol to blame for their job loss, just that idiot boss who had it in for them.  It wasn't alcohol to blame for their run in with the law, it was some power tripping policeman.  Forgot is that yes, sometimes wives do nag, bosses really are idiots and police power trip with distressing frequency, but the point is that such happens to almost everyone, but only the alcoholic/addict then handles it so poorly as to end up divorced, fired and/or incarcerated.

Now that you know this, you'll be even more frustrated with the alcoholic or addict you know, as when you tell him or her this, they won't listen.  Because you see, ultimately, no matter how obvious it is to everyone else, no matter how many signs there are, no matter if they're on trial for running over a child and their ex-wife and former boss and their own mom are all testifying against them, they will still say, with a straight face and a wounded tone, that they are NOT an alcoholic, they're just being ganged up on.  Or the breathalyzer was broke!  Or that child darted out into the street out of nowhere!  The sun was in their eyes!  Obama!

You've heard the corny phrases about "denial", from "denial is the first sign" to "denials not just a river in Egypt", but the truth is, alcoholics and addicts have denial raised to a level so high that phrases like "to an art form" or "to a science" still don't give it justice.  I could have my wife smell gin on my breath, and find my half drank bottle of it in my desk drawer, and still insist loudly that it was from back before I stopped drinking and that the smell was really Nyquil. 

And really, this is a phenomena of any type of addict.  Even the more esoteric types of addicts, like gamblers.  I've heard, and from the same gambler, the phrase, "I'm on a winning streak, I can't stop now!" and then on another day, "Yeah, I've been losing, so I can't stop now, for my luck is bound to be changing!"  Ponder that for a moment.  If winning means he should keep gambling, and losing means he should keep gambling, then when would ever be the time to not gamble?

This applies, obviously, to the alcoholic and/or addict.  If they're sad, they need a little pick me up, and if they're happy they need to celebrate.  There's always a reason, however small, to drink or drug, and never any reason, however great, not to. 

What should you do if you know someone like this?  There is more than one school of thought on this, from those who want you to stand by them and those who wish you to withdraw from them.  Those who think that standing by them is "enabling" and others who think that withdrawing from them is "abandoning".  Truth is, such things are often case by case, and sometimes a matter of timing.  Usually, in fact inevitably, a point will be reached where a withdrawing is appropriate, mostly for the person attempting to aid them being tired, worn out, and burnt out on trying to help them over and over only to have their hopes (and often their finances) smashed again and again.

What should you do if you know it about yourself?  Quit dorking around and get to a meeting is the easy answer.  But all experience shows that you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired before that will happen.  Or had to have "hit bottom" as some put it.  Just like inevitably your family and friends will get tired of it and withdraw eventually, so will you - if you avoid death - get tired eventually and withdraw from your denial.

Usually it starts with a faked or pretended admission of addiction/alcoholism.  Something bad will have happened and you'll know you're really in for it this time, and so having exhausted all other excuses, reasons, stories and lies, you'll seize upon admitting you're a drunk and/or druggie.  You'll think that you're not, that you're really just getting out of a scrape by pretending for some fast sympathy and some leeway.  And regrettably, that may even get you out of the latest trouble.

But after the first time you do this - or the tenth - there'll be a point where others won't care any more, and finally (again, if you don't die first) where you'll stop kidding yourself and finally get that, "Hey, I'm not fooling others by pretending to be an alcoholic, I'm fooling myself by pretending that I'm not."

Only then, at the end of what is usually a long and sad road, are you then barely able to take the first step of the Twelve Steps and admit you're powerlessness over alcohol. 

Now you would think that no one ever has to wait till they hit rock bottom.  That if they were any where near as cool and strong and good as they love to think they are, they could, when the first whisper of the first person was heard, jump into a meeting and forswear alcohol and/or drugs.  They could, upon the first arrest, the first divorce, the first job loss, end their nonsense, and make a concerted effort to never drink or drug again.  That you see some do just that tricks many into thinking that's a real thing.

Sadly, for the real alcoholic/addict, that's not much of an option.  Anyone who manages to grab control of the problem when it first starts and never relapses was probably just a normal person who was being silly, as opposed to actually having whatever gene is in us that causes addiction to drugs or alcohol or gambling. 

For those who do try in the early stages, but then fail, they at least now know for sure that they have a serious problem that definitely needed attention.  For of anything that can convince a person that they have bona fide problem, the attempt to quit - and the accompanying failure to quit - is one of the surest signs.

To sum up, a person is probably an alcoholic/addict if the question is raised by themselves or those who know them.  A person is probably an alcoholic/addict if they get in any form of trouble due to alcohol/drugs.  A person is probably an alcoholic/addict if they had early attempts to stop that failed.  And a person will usually do nothing about it of substance till they've lost everything.

Ultimately then, whether you are staying near an addict or withdrawing, much of what you can do involves waiting, because only when they are willing to put in the effort to seek out and work on their sobriety can your help do much good.  It is always then better not to let them drag you down financially, but to wait for them to hit bottom then be there to give aid and advice.  Until they've hit bottom, they are unlikely to listen to your advice in any real fashion beyond nodding and saying "thanks" before going out to drink and drug again.